3rd pregnancy this year...just angry and sad.

Right now, I should have a 3 month old baby but that wasnt meant to be. Alyx was lost at our 12 week scan in March, no investigations were made. It was a painful process involving a hospital stay and eventually surgery just so I could go home to my 2 children, who screamed when they had to leave me in the hospital. This was the second loss I've ever had at 12+ weeks.

I got pregnant 3 months following the surgery, and held for maybe 7 weeks in total before losing that one too in July.

I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks ago, 1 week before even being due on. Glow says I'm 6 weeks.

I'm writing today because I'm angry and sad. Its affecting my partner and my children, and I don't want to be this person.

I feel like I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the blood that always comes, the irrational panic when it does because I've lost so much and I'm waiting for the fear of it never happening. I'm angry for waiting. I'm angry I'm expecting it so much this time. I'm angry that I cant be hopeful. I'm angry others are pregnant, have been pregnant and have had their babies since we conceived Alyx.

I found out yesterday my partner's brother is expecting with his girlfriend and I'm jealous of their pregnancy. I expect they'll have their baby and then there will be one the same age as mine should be...if I don't lose this one.

I feel abandoned, I'm not a woman and nobody seems bothered.

Since the loss in July they tried to check in me in the women's clinic, but there was nothing to look for. I was put on a waiting list to start investigating. I've been pregnant 11 times and have 2 children.

I received a missed call when I was working and called the number back. NHS womens clinic, sorry we have booked the clinic to full now...back on the waiting list...16 more weeks.

I don't know what to do.

I'm just waiting for fate to take another chunk out of me and I'm helpless and I feel alone.