Can a relationship ever be truly healthy after harsh words have been said?

Question

No judgement please. Just an answer to my question. 
We’ve never cheated, or done anything majorly wrong, although there’s been some trials we’ve had to overcome. We really love each other a lot. What we have done wrong is call each other hurtful names during heated arguments. He has called me a psychopath, a loser, and trash (to name the most hurtful) I have called him an asshole, douchebag, and piece of shit. We have been together 4 years now and in that time we have grown as a couple and as people in general. We have discussed not calling each other names anymore no matter how angry we may get because we are so much better than that and have gotten over our trials from the past. We’ve worked on our relationship so much and looking back, we’ve come so so far and I’m proud of us. However sometimes, but much more rarely, when arguments get heated he still calls me a psychopath and I still call him an asshole. It’s so stupid and we both hate ourselves for it. But I think it’s just us being triggered, in a way, and reminded of the hurtful words said to each other in the past, so we continue to say them sometimes. We will talk about it after and apologize, which is good and something we didn’t use to do. I’m just wondering if we can ever completely stop calling names, and get to a point where we can completely forgive and forget?

Answer

Yes, I think that's something that you guys can move beyond if you work on a healthier style of conflict.

Answer

You both need to make a commitment to walk away from each other before it gets to that point. When you feel the anger boiling up, and you think you might start verbally abusing your partner, it’s time to take a break and come back to the conversation when you are not so heated. ￼Remember in that moment that in order for things to be healthy, you need to allow each other to have some space and calm down. Remember, you can never take back the things you say when you are angry, you can only forgive and try to work through and resolve the resentment. If you find that impossible to do, breaking up is the better option. This is toxic unhealthy behavior and it’s no way to have a relationship.

Answer

Name calling is verbal abuse. I would stop. It’s not hard to not call people names...

Answer

It can be. It's good you two have come a long way. Perhaps at some point you will stop calling each other names like that

Answer

You can if you're both willing to work on it. The good thing is your recognize the behavior. But it doesn't seem you have the tools to stop these types of cycles. Looking into anger management or working with a couples therapist would benefit both of you.

Answer

You’ll probably need to get some help if you can’t stop. That’s horrible.

Answer

Sounds like neither of you mean it and are working on it. And apologizing is a good thing. 
Anger is a tough one.

Answer

This sounds like an incredibly toxic and unhealthy relationship.

Answer

For people saying it is easy to quit these patterns- try to be a bit understanding that not everyone comes from the same place. Patterns of emotional abuse can be tough to break particularly when one or both partners came from environments where name calling or other forms of emotional abuse were commonplace between their parents, or where they were verbally abused by parents or raised in/among disordered family relationships. It’s commendable that the OP wants to make radical changes in their relationship. therapy would probably be a great resource for this type of challenge. X

Answer

Only y’all will be able to answer your questions of 1.) being able to stop calling each other names and 2.) forgiving and forgetting. 
About being able to have a healthy relationship after all that, I do think it is possible but it will take a lot of time and effort to build the consistency of not doing so and therefore breaking the habit. 
It sounds like y’all have a strong base in moving on from things but things like name calling, especially with the examples you gave, are deeply rooted in disrespect for each other, even if y’all are just mad. I would suggest that y’all spend more time together and making efforts to show each other that y’all are important and special to each other. I think this can help in combatting the habit, but to also make amends and help each other heal from all the name calling. 
Good luck. 💕

Can a relationship ever be truly healthy after harsh words have been said?

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