Gender panic

So obviously we know gender disappointment is a real thing and one you sometimes get beyond and sometimes you never do. Its real and honest feelings to be disappointed about something you really wanted but was completely out of your control. Has anyone or is anyone going through complete gender panic?

Not the fear of it being one or another because you aren’t sure what that’s like because you’re only used to one. For example you grew up with sisters, you have one daughter then find out you’re pregnant with a boy and panic because you haven’t had to navigate that yet. Not that kind of panic.

The kind where it’s selfish to say or feel but based on your current situation you really really “needed” it to be a certain gender so to speak. It sounds weird to say it that way.

I am going through a very dangerous and very unplanned pregnancy. I am currently a separated single mother that moved back in with family with my children after a very unexpected separation a year ago and a half ago. After a very ugly court battle for custody issues that should have never happened and his realization of his misinformation during this and stopping all of the nonsense, months later for our girls and for ourselves we decided to attempt a reconciliation if at all possible after such a mess.

In that attempt and lots of working towards bettering the situation and salvaging what we could and putting what we could behind us we were able to find what we had before it all became a mess. For that our girls are much happier for it and relaxed. They are now 2 and 1. However family is very against any reconciliation, specifically mine. His family thinks it’s great we’ve worked things out.

We currently still live apart. He still at the home we had together and me still with family gradually working things through. We see each other a few nights a week with our girls together. The rest of the time they stay with me, the older of the two has 2 nights a week she stays with him per the agreement we had made. The younger stays with me always. We buy what we need separately for each house for her when she whichever. So I buy diapers, food, clothes toys for her and him for them, in the last year her things are shared between us again but still the responsibility falling on wherever she is at that moment. I’m a stay at home mom because I have a son with special needs that requires round the clock care so I’m lucky to say family helps with basic needs so that I can continue to care for him as he needs and the two little girls.

We recently found out we are pregnant. This was very unplanned and not recommended because of being dangerously life threateningly high risk. I had taken the steps with ob to prevent with the IUD they recommended so that I could take the medicine I needed that cannot be taken while pregnant so I had to have a reliable bc. I shockingly became pregnant, I had no signs or symptoms and no clue until they discovered it in routine lab work for a hematology issue and found out a few weeks later at ob I was 12 weeks and 4 days. Completely floored. It’s been a panic for medical staff and myself because of the several medical risks for me.

Fast forward I am now 16+1 because of our current situation and not having planning anymore children we are more than unprepared for this. I recently found out it’s a boy. This was a huge gender disappointment but not because of wanting something specific just because. For this to work out it really needed to be a girl because we have nothing for a boy, literally nothing. We have enough girl stuff we could make it work somehow and only need diapers and formula. For a boy we have nothing, our car seats are pink. Every piece of clothing is unicorns or bows or sparkly. Not one thing we have at either home is gender neutral. So we have to start from square one. So the financial situations leave us literally unable to buy anything because of the debt. My car is small and won’t even fit the new baby. I’m staying with family and my 3 children and I have medium bedroom we share. Family has no idea I am pregnant and even if so would not be someone I could ask for help as they would be totally against this.

I feel so guilty for being upset about gender because it’s a blessing regardless but i feel like my son will arrive in June and have nothing. He would be coming home with me but unsure how he would get here if there’s no car seat and won’t fit in my car. And then there’s the not having anyway to get any of the things he needs. I never had to worry about this and was prepared for my girls. This makes me feel horrible!