I just want to start off by saying that my decision to post this is not for any sort of pity but because I want to let it out :). Never have I ever told anyone of this during the relationship nor after and I’ve kept it a secret to myself up till now.

My first love, I was young and in year 7 (Australian school), yes it’s so stupid to say I was in love at that age but I truly was. I was so naive back then too and we dated in the middle of the year. He was so caring at the start, and the only person I could share everything with.

A year passed and into year 8. Our relationship moved foward and we were constantly arguing, which is when the toxicity started. he’d accuse me of always starting the arguments and always flipping the table on me, which I always had to apologise in the end.

We’d meet every morning at 7am before school started, however whenever I was even a minute late, he put the blame on me and made me feel horrible

I also lost my virginity to him as well at the time, which I’d say I was pressured into. He lied to me saying how one of his friends lost his virginity recently as well saying we should as well, and said many other things which made me feel awful saying no to him, which from then I was pressured. (Keep in mind I was very gulliable and let’s say ‘innocent’ back then)

ONE MAIN THING that I’ve kept inside me for so long and it still lingers was the fact that he’d lie to me to get me to send him money. He’d tell me he had family issues and his parents were forcing him to pay them otherwise he would move overseas. Of course I was so in love and utterly stupid, and every few weeks I’d wake up early to take $100-300 sometimes more from my dad’s wallet to give to him. In which I found out years later he used the money to treat another girl he was cheating on me with for a whole year.

Whenever we had sex he’d tell me I gained some weight or my stomach has gotten bigger, (which it wasn’t, at that point I was quite skinny). Which resulted in me developing an eating disorder.

Because of my developed insecurity and my ‘people pleaser’ personality, There was an occasion where he asked to go through my phone and I said no. I knew there was nothing wrong on my phone but I was so insecure if he were to find something on there that made me ‘un-perfect’. We snatched it back and forth and he’d try get it from me until there was a point where he snatched it from me and threatened to break it if I didn’t unlock my phone, in which, I still chose not to. Resulting in him smashing my phone on the floor.

He then apologised to me saying how much he loved me and tried to reason with his actions. And of course I forgave him. Like I do with every fake apology he’s given to me in order to manipulate me.

A year later he broke up with me, and told me about the girl he’s been seeing for a year, and told me he never loved me from the start.

And of course I was absolutely traumatised considering how insecure I was already of being perfect and losing him.

That’s all, there’s much more to say but I think Thats enough for me to feel glad that I’ve let at least a majority of it out, since I’ve held this all in for years :-)

I’m 17 now and now have a lovely boyfriend whom I’ve been with for nearly a year so far☺️