I feel like a crappy mom.

I caved in and bought a dock a tot today. I refused to buy one because I never wanted to co-sleep out of fear that I would wake up to my baby not breathing next to me.

But last night my baby woke up every single hour, again, like she has for the last 5 weeks. I lost my mind. I got so frustrated with her that I had to leave the room. And then I felt so guilty for getting mad at her that I brought her in bed with me and she fell asleep for hours, and I stayed awake watching her breathe.

I don't have any help. I live over 1,000 miles away from family and my husband does what he can but he's in the Army, so I'm with our daughter 99% of the time. I don't get breaks, even though I feel like I need one.

I didn't realize getting a baby to sleep would consume my life and make me feel so horrible.

Today I bought a dock a tot and let my daughter sleep with me and she slept for 6 hours straight. The first time this has happened in literally over a month. I feel a little better after getting some sleep, but still so scared because I know that it isn't the safest.

This mom thing is just way harder than I ever thought it could be.