I started dating my ex about 7 months ago and was only with him a few months bc it was a toxic relationship. (Just wanna add that He wouldn’t let me breakup with him but then thank god he cheated on me and I had an excuse to break up with him. Woohoo lol) Anyway I just recently realized a couple months ago that he sexually assaulted and I’m pretty sure did more than that if yk what I mean to me multiple times. And that’s why I felt so horrible and felt violated and gross during the time that we were dating. I think I mostly got over what he did to me and don’t feel as gross or triggered when I think about him. Then a couple months ago I was assaulted twice by a guy. That made me extremely depressed and I completely detached from everybody. But I think I kinda got over that one too. Or maybe I didn’t get over these things but they don’t affect me as much. Or maybe I’m more focused on something else that happened to me that I don’t care as much about these things.. idk Anyway I was.. I can’t even say the word.. I was hurt sexually two more times by this guy and it was more than assault.. and I think this is the worse thing I’ve ever been through. Now idk what to do or how to heal. I think I’m already taking steps to heal but it’s hard and I want it to be over already. I think about it and get triggered everyday. I feel sick everyday and it affects so much I do. I just wanna stop thinking about it. Does anyone have any advice on how I can heal from this? I know I need to see a counselor but atm I really can’t bc I I’m not ready at all to talk about it to someone face to face or anything. So any advice on what I should do?

I’d like to add I’m proud of myself bc this is like the third or fourth time I’ve really talked about what happened and it kinda feels good to talk about it to strangers. I feel like a weight is lifted off me in a way and things are starting to make more sense to me as I talk/write about it. There are some bad things that come along with talking about it but right now I feel okay and proud 🙃

Hope this made sense I’m kinda sleep deprived rn