Sometimes life sucks

I married my husband very young, I have several siblings and lots of cousins. My family loves babies, and I've always wanted to be a mom.

When we were finally in a place to support a family, we started trying to conceive. We tried for two years with no success.

Finally we were sent to a fertility specialist and every test can back perfect. After six months of blood work, procedures, and a surgery, my specialist found stage four endometriosis. She cleaned it up and sent me home to try, optimistic that we could conceive on our own.

Today, after almost a full year of trying since surgery, we were told it's very unlikely I'll ever conceive on my own. That IVF or adoption are our best options. Although both are about the same cost, adoption has a higher success rate and less stress on my body, so hopefully in a year or two, we can start that process.

I'm defeated. I'm angry, and hurt, and confused. I'm sorry. My husband married someone who had ever reason to be able to conceive, and he got cheated. Now his dreams of a biological child are no longer attainable. I've told him he can leave, but he won't, and I obviously don't want him to, but he doesn't deserve this.

My endometriosis symptoms are excruciating and effect my daily life, and there is no cure. Treatment is birth control (the side effects scare me) or a possible hysterectomy (I'm not even 25 yet).

For four years I have been hopeful, trusting and healthy for nothing. I'm going to donate my left over LH/HCG tests, leave my TTC groups, and delete my cycle tracking apps since I won't be having periods much longer and it's going to sting. For so long it felt like there was at least a sliver of hope, but once I start a treatment that's it, it's over. Maybe it won't be so hard when we actually start the adoption process, but right now it just feels pretty dark and far away.

I don't really know the point of this post, I guess just to pour everything out somewhere because I don't want to burden my husband or family with it.

So I guess I'll close this with a quote from my favorite movie, The Princess Bride, that sums up my feelings tonight.

"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."