I ruined my baby...

And now my baby is ruining me.

I have been bed sharing with my baby girl since shortly after we got home from the hospital. She just didn’t do well sleeping by herself and I got desperate for some sleep. Well now she still won’t sleep unless she’s cuddled up with me, day or night. I’ve been trying to get her sleeping on her own for a week now and failing miserably. I’m losing it. I don’t know what to do. I need to be able to sleep without her in the crook of my arm. I need my sleep space back. I need to be able to move at night. I need to be able to sleep on my right side. Or my stomach. Or any way really besides on my left side with her on my arm.

Tonight I laid her down and she slept for an hour. That’s the longest I’ve gotten. I’m sleeping on the floor in her room so I’m close when she stirs so I can try and soothe her before she’s fully awake. She started to wake and I couldn’t get her to stop moving and waking herself more so I had to pick her up. I have spent the last hour trying to get her to stay asleep again in my arms. Replacing her pacifier every 2 minutes because she moves and realizes it fell out. She’s finally out again. But only because I laid down on the floor with her and she’s all cuddled up.

I caught myself almost telling her to shut up when she was whining. I’m a terrible mother. It’s my fault. I ruined her and now I’m trying to blame her in my sleep deprived state. But it’s my fault.