okay! story time.

i met someone who lives around the corner from me a few months ago. we talked for a bit and then finally hung out. he was cool and i definitely didn’t see a future romantically nor was i hoping for one. he was chill and we got along pretty well. we hung out a few times and let’s say... the sex wasn’t the greatest, to no ones fault just like there wasn’t anything there. and if I’m being honest, I didn’t even know he was inside me half the time. whatever. we bickered a lot, but it was fun. nothing toxic.

he asked me out after we hung out the first time which was sweet. a few days before that, he lost his job and kinda went into a hole and wanted to “break up” & be celibate bc he wasn’t focused blah blah blah. it was all chill. we still went out after the fact and hooked up despite whatever he said. I went on vacation and we hung out when I got back like 2x in one week. no biggie. it wasn’t like we were dating, just hanging out. I genuinely enjoyed his company.

homeboy went awol and i texted him a few time and it was a bit different. we had made plans for a few weeks later and he didn’t want to go anymore. again! it was okay! but he was being bratty about it so I said “hmu when you like me again”. he never did 😂 I texted him a week later to talk about it and he said he was just following directions, respect. whatever.

now that was before thanksgiving. I hit him up on friday because I was BORED. conversation was fine I guess. then he basically said. “I like you a lot, I think you’re mad cute blah blah blah, but that day when I got soft I realized I wasn’t sexually attracted to you which fucked me up. I realized I really like you but we couldn’t have sex so I started to ignore you & be a dick.”

I nearly lost my mind. So you like me but you got soft one time — WHEN YOU WERE HIGH — and because of that we can’t even be friends? idk which blew my mind more, having someone genuinely like me and still not want to have anything to do with me or the fact that I’m not sexually attractive to someone..

Being sexually unattractive is a deep insecurity of mine and I blame all my relationship failures on that. But Jesus Christ are we serious? Of course, he basically said we can’t be friends because I’ll fall in love with him and I already have .. I swear guys are so dense.

But, I’ve been pretty down about it since it happened because what the fuck. Plus, I went on a spiral and texted 2 people I was interested in and both of them basically said they’re dating someone especially after explicitly telling me they don’t have the time to date. Which is FINE but fucking hell. 3 in one weekend??