It's not just the baby nausea...

I'd like to be simply enjoying my family, my pregnancy of my soon to be 2nd child after having had two prior miscarriages, to enjoy the excitement of my 5yr old that's wanting to be a big brother so bad. But for as long as I can remember, I have suffered from anxiety and depression, to a point of being near suicidal. I never self harmed, I had made promises and prided myself on never breaking my word to someone after having lived/dealt with parents that constantly did. Instead I always sought out help, mostly from emergency services as my guardian, my grandmother, thought I was faking and being spoiled or too childish.

After turning 18 and somewhat getting away from her with my current boyfriend, Donnie, I was starting to get better. The only times I relapsed was during high stress periods, which there was still too many of as I worked on rebuilding my self esteem with Donnie's help. 5 yrs into the relationship, we had a not unwelcome oops in the form of our son, Dakota. After his birth, unknowingly I suffered from post-partum and nearly quit my job, the stress of a bad manager that went from being the most caring and excited person during my pregnancy was no longer. She became bitter, condescending and rude. Luckily, she had been moved to a new location and I gained a much better manager that worked with me when I needed help. I flourished, and because of her I stayed. I worked hard, became promoted to 1st Assistant Store Manager, and February 13th will be my 7 yr anniversary with the company.

I thought I wanted to be a store manager, but now, with the pregnancy progressing, my "husband's" health in decline, already having had one surgery to fuse three bones in his neck, a potential surgery for his rotator cuff and another for his lower back, plus a permanent record that makes finding a job hard for him, unless its more back- breaking, pay-under-the-table type bs. I've had a taste of running a store, twice. One was a competent, all of us employees knew our jobs, knew if we had issues, we worked to resolve them "in house" and moved on. The store I work at now? Not so much. No one wanted to help anyone else, call outs or no shows happened and I had to work 51hrs that week my store manager was on vacation. I barely ate, I barely slept, I suffered terrible nausea, dizziness and anxiety. The only thing anyone wanted to do was complain about how I didn't do my job, nothing was cleaned or stocked, which was shit as I had been busting my ass in between customers and trying to not fall asleep during my shift.

Right now, Donnie and I are semi-arguing/discussing me taking the promotion to store manager if offered. Or, my thoughts are to hold off until after he finishes his disability hearing and the baby is born to decide further if I should stay or if I can take on less work, go back to school and get a different job.

Sorry about the long post, and if you've read it all, thank you for putting up with my little rant.