Something is missing..

It’s currently 3:45 am. I said goodnight to my boyfriend about 2 hours ago. We normally play Xbox together and call before bed. He tells me every night not to stay up too late but here i am lol.

Honestly idk if this is even the right place to post.. idk what it is about me, idk what I have or if I have something wrong with my head idfk. But seeing as I’m here, typing to a bunch of random people, it’s pretty clear that I don’t have people to talk to.

Please let me explain..

I’m completely empty in my head. But I have so much on my mind????

The last 7 months have been life changing.. not necessarily for the better. I graduated high school in June, got my first and current boyfriend, moved out of my home due to my horrible relationship with my mother, was wronged by friends who I loved, lost my job due to my skin colour, got kicked out by my untrustworthy roommate, moved back home only to now pay rent and completely hate my life.

because I have no job I get money from the art I create for people. It’s barely getting me by but I’m so embarrassed and anxiety filed that I can’t force myself to get a new job.

I saved enough money to buy myself an Xbox to release some stress and be happy for myself, only to feel like I should regret the purchase because my mom seems to hate me more when I’m not miserable..I feel as if I’m obsolete. My mother and step dad are awful to me.. I sleep on foam pads because they gave away my bed while I was gone. I feel like a burden on my boyfriend and his family because I’m there every weekend to get away from my own. But while I’m there I’m sleeping because I’m up till 4 o’clock in the morning unable to get comfortable in this “bed”.

I can never seem to accept help when it’s offered to avoid the embarrassment that I fear.

I need help. But I’m scared of everything and what people think.

My boyfriends my only support

He tells me he loves me and that he’s here for me but I’m always crying on his shoulder about the shit in my life that I repeat like a broken record.

I fear being alone so much that I’ve well convinced myself that’s exactly what I am??

I wish my mother loved me. She won’t even look at me half the time. She’s mad because I don’t have a job and that I have a boyfriend or that I buy myself things or that I’m gone weekends... she’s just awful.

I get anxious when I hear her come in the house.

Someone’s I’ll sit here and I’ll be okay with thinks until I think about something that will trigger all these massive thoughts of complete sadness. I don’t want to talk or move because it’s just another thing on my mind. All the time this happens I’m always sad and never 100% happy.idk what’s missing in my life to make me change how things are.. a better mother?? Motivation?? What is it? What’s wrong with me??

Please help