So I am almost 16 weeks pregnant. Up until Christmas I was elated. But on Christmas I got the Norovirus and was sick for four days. That triggered my morning sickness to be even worse. But even after that I was pretty excited and happy, just tired.

And then last Wednesday happened.

My husband had kidney failure and then a transplant at 16 (it's not hereditary or we would have seriously reconsidered having kids). He is 30 now. Last Wednesday he went to his kidney doctor after me pestering him. It seemed to go fine. Until 8pm when they got his blood work back.

Long story short: his kidney is failing again.

We knew this would happen, he was always going to need a second transplant. He may even need a third in the future. But it wasn't supposed to happen now. We thought he was doing well. That's why we got pregnant. We thought it was a good time. Now he is going to be on dialysis 3 times a week for 5 hours at a time.

I want this baby. I am just not excited anymore. I'm just scared. My husband is acting fine (I mean dialysis will keep him well until transplant and he has live donors but it's still a long process) and there are people whose husbands are far away or dead. But I'm sad. I'm sad that this is our story. I'm mad at myself for not being elated to be pregnant right now when I've wanted it so badly before. I'm bitter that the last few months of just the two of us will be spent in doctors offices and napping because he's so drained.

I hope the excitement comes back. Maybe I just need time, it's only been a week. I feel like a terrible mom because instead of feeling greatful and excited every day I'm terrified and crying. I love my baby. I just wish I could hit the pause button and deal with one thing at a time.

Am I the worst expectant mom ever? Will the excitement come back?