Trouble in paradise 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don’t like porn in my relationship... Say he looks at porn once in awhile, like when we haven’t been around each other for awhile or whatever, but ONCE IN AWHILE, that’s whatever, and I don’t want to know about it EVER... But it’s became pretty clear to me, that my boyfriend has been looking at snap chat porn or something... The reason is pisses me off is because, I think I have a amazing body and I think I’m actually really good looking- I don’t mean to sound conceded, but I like everything about my body and how I’m shaped and how I look... I just don’t get why he cares to look at anybody else... pretty much he’s been doing it under my nose and he always lies his way out of it. First I found snap chat screen shots of girls with dildos, or there asses saying “join me so we can have fun together” on the snap... he acted so confused and saying it wasn’t him, and he doesnt know how it got there, then delete it... anyways fast forward, I had a MC and then as soon as I stopped bleeding we are trying again, so after having sex all night, I go into the bathroom in the morning to pee, and he’s sitting on the toilet.... well I’m pretty damn sure I seen a snap chat video of a girl showing her vagina and back side, and he instantly closed his phone... and also it’s not like he was jacking off or anything, he was just sitting there looking at it while taking a crap? So I just kind of look disappointed and sad and and was like “alright, uhm what was that” not in a threading tone of voice or anything, just asking him, and he say it wasn’t anything, and tries to say it was a video about watches or something, so I didn’t let it ruin my day or cause a fight and I left it alone, but then I asked him another time if thats what he was doing when we were just joking with each other and he said “yeah” and I’m like, wait are you serious? Then he’s like no I wasn’t though for real.... So again it didn’t start a fight I just kept it pushin... Then fast forward to today... So I’ve been in a weird funk for a few days, just wondering stuff like if or when I will feel like stuff will go my way, or work in favor of me, and it was mostly about the MC, so he tried to kiss me and I didn’t want one, I just didn’t feel being in the mood, like I wanted to just be in my funk alone until it was over... Well he took me being down, as me being mean and nasty towards him, cause I didn’t say love you, or kiss him, and after that he will go sleep on the couch and say “I made him “ and nobody else’s girls make there men sleep on a couch—- but I didn’t make him, he chose that and even yelled “ don’t come out here” cause sometimes when he will do this I go out to bring him to bed... so it started a huge fight, and somewhere arguing I brought up the time when he was in the bathroom looking at stuff. And guys, this also hurts because I just went through a MC I already feel down, so it is hard to feel positive, no matter how good I think I look, if he doesn’t have eyes for me, it doesn’t matter. 😕

So after I brought it up, he said then “what guy doesn’t do it, every guy in the world does it” and I just asked why though? We just had sex, the night before so why wake up and go just look at it? He said “go ask a scientist why, or Dr.phil”

So this is a side I’ve never seen, I’m still shocked that all of it’s even true, although I was so positive it was, I was still in denial, because he’s so good with his words...

Then the fight eventually escalated and said something, but I can’t even remember what he was saying I just remembered him saying “take your nasty pussy and duh duh duh” and I was just crying my heart out, and then after some time passes he wants to act all sad, and try to confront me and stuff... and saying he only said it because he was mad, and knew how to upset me... well he’s already lied about stuff, and I’m already feeling sad about stuff and he puts that on top of it. Then he wants to say that he never looks at anything ever or whatever, then later he came back in the room quoting something saying “what if I’m just a horny bastard” and he thought it was like a joke, funny, ha ha ha...

So another thing he said is, saying Lamar Odom has a porn addiction, so people are watching hella porn and married and everything or in relationships... But again, porn addiction???? So I asked him, so are you addicted and he said no.. but I don’t feel as close to him anymore, just the fact he looks at snap chat girls naked... and just a random time to do it, like I’m in the other room and just walk in and he’s looking... he’s closed his phone quick in the past which makes me believe he does it often and for the past five years I never knew, because if I even speculated, then I’m crazy or making stuff up in my head.

Anyways, I know I’m probably gonna get negative comments, or somebody will try to bash me because I don’t like it, but I hope it makes sense, the A it wasn’t just because he hasn’t as sex in awhile, or just like a time he was alone, I was literally in the bedroom, and still had his cum in me... B, also in this time where technology runs everything, I feel it give a fake image for girls in general, and I just feel like I’m not good enough, or something is wrong with me, when that happens... and C, his excuse is I never met those girls or talked to them or anything... okay, so if the opportunity presents its self, it probably wouldn’t be hard for him to actually cheat. and I asked him in that case, if rules were reversed, can I look at men’s dicks then? Or can I get on snap chat and let millions of married or men in relationships look at my body, and since “I don’t know them, or talk to them it’s okay”