I’ve been focusing on my mental health. Like finding the reasoning on why I take things personal, working on self love, and working on my physical appearance. But lately, I’ve been discovering new problems or having relapses into my past bad behavior.

A while back I had sex with a dude friend and felt like it was a really bad decision because of the nature of our friendship and some things we’ve talked about. I recently got drunk (bad decision) and hit him back up to have sex again. I asked him if any of our other friends knew about it and he said that it was actually the plan of his friend. They brought me up in conversation to see if he could “try” me and with the help of his friend (his friend was texting me, not him)( how deceitful?)it worked.

Since I was drunk I didn’t really go deep into thought about it but I was offended. All I could say was “wooooow.” The next day I really had time to go into thought about it and remembered a time back when me and my friends and him and his friends were all hanging together, playing uno, and I said something along the lines of “you can’t play me. I would never let you play me like that.” And they busted out laughing, not knowing that they had already played me.

Lately, I’ve been just crying and crying because I know I deserve better but I keep putting myself in these situations to get disrespected, not knowing I’m going to get disrespected. If I would’ve never gotten drunk, I wouldn’t have had sex with him again nor figured out about how they did me wrong. I would’ve been fine without knowing. It’s crazy how I could remember a tiny conversation or situation that happened months ago that related to this big situation.

this really has me in my feels about this self love thing. It’s fucking me up. It’s making me see my faults as well as what I need to work on about myself but also has made me feel like I can’t trust anyone at all. I just want to be respected. Not “try’d”

I just hate that I have to keep having negative experiences. Once I take 3000 steps, I take a million back.