last april i was raped, and i never acknowledged the pain and violation that came with it.. no one really believes that i didn't want it, which pushes me to hurt even more, but i thought after the trial and everything id be better, but i feel as tho im worse.. i can't concentrate if someone has a particular similarity to him, if it smells like him, if i think ab it, ab anything really.. ive noticed i've been zoning out a lot and feeling numb ig.. i felt numb hearing his trial ending, i feel numb whenever someone mentions it, i feel numb when i think of sex, i feel numb when i look at myself in the mirror.. ive always suffered from obvious signs of anxiety and depression, but my family doesn't believe in mental health and im a teenager.. it's not that im just not caring.. it's that i don't care.. i should, but i don't.. i don't feel happy much anymore, i don't feel connected to people or me or things that use to make me so happy.. it's all like so far away.. idk.. what ig im asking is if anyone can tell me if this is a sign of dissociation disorder.. im not trying to get attention or pity, im just trying to feel alive again.. i feel like im being drowned and i can't ever find the root of what's truly hurting me.. so much has caused me pain, and this is making it worse.. i just want to know how i am supposed to feel again.. ive been chasing emotions through drugs and shit and ik that's bad, but i feel something then, but ik it's fake happiness.. i want to be me again, but it's as tho he's killed me.. I've contemplated killing myself but i don't want to add to more statistics.. i feel as tho thats all i am.. i think i really became numb when they told me he'd get to walk free with only having to take a sex class and be on sex offender list for 10 years.. the judge pretty much said i wanted it.. that what everyone says.. im so tired of hurting like this because other people choose how to tell me it went, and how to feel.. everything is seeming more and more difficult.. ive a shorter temper and all i ever want to do is bash someone's head in so im not hurting anymore, i don't want to be the one who hurts.. ive been left with nothing while he's fine.. he's in a relationship and i can't even masturbate without wanting to scream at how disgusting it is to touch me when he did.. i don't want to touch myself at all.. my voice doesn't sound like my own, my body feels as tho it now belongs to him.. idk.. i just don't want all this.. one day im angry, next im sad,but mostly i just feel so damn numb

ik this is a long read, but if you did read it, thank you.. i never have been a sharing person but i need to say how i feel before it's too late