Sorry this is so long. I’m just so done. I have so much to rant about I need to get it out but like.. where do I even start? I just had a baby in the beginning of the month after a really hard pregnancy. We had to move in with his mom when I was about 20 weeks after I had surgery and was too sick to go back to work, he had taken so much time off work to take care of me and all of our savings were drained. We could’ve moved in with my mom but he insisted we stay with his and I HAVE BEEN MISERABLE HERE SINCE WE MOVED IN. He doesn’t care he’s only worried about what’s best for him. I’ve tried telling him so many times.

Now that we have a newborn here it’s somehow WORSE. He’s got two little brothers, the older one is fine but the younger one (he’s 7) is the biggest pain in the ass. He had NO RULES. He plays hockey on his hoverboard IN THE HOUSE and has almost knocked me over while I’m holding the baby, he’s almost fallen on the baby while he was in his bouncer because he was zooming while crouching on his hoverboard. He doesn’t listen to anyone. I try telling my s/o but he just shrugs it off.

Oh and I do EVERYTHING. I feed, I change diapers, burp, do dishes, wash clothes, fold clothes, put clothes away, clean the room, everything. I’m tired. I’m stressed out. But he gets back from his class (6-9:30ish pm) and just lays around. Feeds him maybe once during the night when i wake him up then he sleeps all morning. Then he doesn’t do shut until he has to go to class the next day. And I’m doing everything but god forbid I take an hour nap abd forget to move the clothes into the dryer. Which every one in the house does but when I do it it’s a huge deal and I get bitched at. It’s like that with everything. Anyway I ask for help and ask and ask but nothing. He says he will but he never does. At least if I was staying at my moms I would have some help and some emotional support. No one is allowed to visit here. I’m always alone. I hate being alone all the time.

Oh and either way even if people could visit I’m not allowed to talk to Any of my friends. I love my S/O but he’s so ducking controlling. I’m not even allowed to be myself. See I like funky patterns and baggy pants and tie dye and headbands, I like to dye my hair every now and then, I like to paint my nails and run around barefoot and shop at thrift shops and listen to Tom petty and Tracy Chapman. He wants me to wear yoga pants and simply southern and Nike and to listen to rap or country. He hates my style. He hates my music. He hates who I am and I feel like we’re only together because I let him morph me into who he wanted me to be. Oh and he hates my friends. I haven’t talked to my best friend of four years in months because of him and since my son was born it’s been getting to me really bad. I can’t even send him a picture of my baby. I re watch videos of me and him and it kills me inside. I looked so happy back then. I miss him so much. I’ve been having a lot of nightmares about him but can’t even text him and see how he is out of loyalty to this guy who only says he loves me. He says it all the time and I can see in his eyes that he really does but he never shows it!! I try talking to him about it but then he just cries or gets mad and makes me feel bad. I want to leave him but I can’t. I’m trapped here. I’m trapped with him. Also I think I have PPD. I was depressed when I was pregnant too but lately it’s been getting worse every day. I wish I was dead. There’s no escaping this bullshit. He doesn’t even let me go anywhere. Everywhere I’ve gone in the past year he’s gone with me with the exception of maybe 3 times. I’m not allowed to go to the pier, one of the only places I feel happy, because he “doesn’t like the people there”. Can’t visit my little sisters because he doesn’t like their grandmas boyfriend. Even if he’s with me I still can’t do anything.

I’m young and I want to have a little fun sometimes ( think walking on the beach, setting up the hammock under the pier listening to music, having fires and Roasting marshmallows in the backyard, watching the sunrise) but that’s too much to ask of him. I mean I asked to do one thing with him this past fall, I wanted to carve a pumpkin with him. The pumpkin is still sitting in the porch because he was always too tired to carve it with me. I know if I was still allowed to be friends with my friends they would’ve carved pumpkins with me. Or if we could stay at my moms I could’ve carved them with my sisters.

I don’t know if it’s my hormones or what but I’ve started to hate him. I want to leave. I want to take my baby to my moms and tell him to fuck off but how do I do that?? I don’t want my baby to grow up with separated parents. I really do love my s/o, I just can’t do it. I feel like he’s ruined my life. I hate that he’s able to convince me to do anything by batting his eyelashes at me. I want to go to my moms. I’m so so miserable here. I try to put up with it for baby c but at the same time he needs a mom who’s happy and healthy. I can’t be the best mom I can be in this environment. I’m so conflicted. If it weren’t for baby c I’d probably be dead by now. Can’t tell my S/O that though because if I leave he’ll probably use that against me. Even though I only feel like this because I’m here & Even though I’m probably not going to leave because he’s crushed my soul And shredded any last string of hope for a happy future I had.