My son will turn 2 weeks old tomorrow. The past 14 days have been a whirlwind and I’ve been feeling the need to put some of my emotions to “paper”, so to speak, as it may help me organize the tornado inside my head.

I’m doing this for my own mental health benefit but maybe someone reading may find it helpful if she is also experiencing something similar.

This experience has been so much harder than I ever imagined but at the same time I’ve had moments, such as right now, where I feel at peace and caught up.

Fortunately, I have not experienced postpartum depression in the sense where I am regretful of having a child or feel any sense of doom and gloom for the future. But I have been rather emotional.

I’m going to list both the challenges as well as things I’m grateful for.

Physical challenges:

- Cervical prolapse after vaginal delivery. Up until a few days ago, my cervix was bulging out of my vagina as a result from a significant tear during delivery. This was very troubling to see one of my internal organs hanging out. My gyn says we have to wait 6-8 weeks for the uterus to go back to normal size to assess what needs to be done. I feel vulnerable to my own body. Like a separation of self and body. I’m specifically worried about future fertility as well as sexual health. Now the cervix is not physically hanging out of my vagina anymore which makes me feel better. I have a follow up visit with gyn on Monday to see how things are looking. Hoping for a treatment plan that helps me recover.

- Hemorrhoid. Up until today, I had such a painful external hemorrhoid which hurt more towards the end of each day. It is still there today but getting smaller I think (hope). Preparation H cream maybe is helping.

- Cracked nipple.

- “Afterbirth” contraction pains (in the first week, following breastfeeding sessions); most of the time the pains felt like menstrual but there were 3-4 occasions where the pain was like being in active labor all over again, super painful! One time it brought me to tears

Stressful/exhausting challenges:

- My left breast doesn’t produce milk (due to a congenital problem) so I am triple feeding in right breast (breastfeed, bottle feed with formula or pumped breast milk, pump); whole process takes 1.5-2 hours and we are doing this every 3-4 hour so it’s pretty miserable

- My beloved 12 year old dog most likely has cancer and we are dealing with symptoms associated with that; we are needing to feed her five times a day (and she needs to sit in a doggie high chair when she eats due to mega esophagus) so this not only is stressful due to the emotions of her being sick but also the time it takes to care for her while caring for a newborn

Emotional issues:

- Feeling disconnected from my husband since we are both in survival mode.

- Feeling overwhelmed with so much love for my son and husband (which is obviously good) but it makes me feel vulnerable to losing them

- Hearing the tragic news of Kobe Bryant and his daughter made me emotional as well

- Had a good cry today though and my hubby comforted me

Things that help during each day:

- Hot shower

- Being productive with non-baby stuff (taking care of paperwork to get baby insurance working on short term disability claim, writing thank you notes etc)

- Reading my book for pleasure (even though it’s only like 5 pages at a time)

- Reminiscing in past travels with my husband (or any fond memory of when life was normal and enjoyable)

Grateful for:

- My healthy baby boy who is now back to birthweight

- Getting to know him, he has the cutest facial expressions and makes the sweetest noises when he is nursing

- Help from my mom who has been here with us

- My husband who I adore

- Excellent medical care for both the baby and for my own postpartum follow up

Ok I think this sums it up. I already feel better just writing all of this down.

This experience is like no other. And I’m torn between wanting it to be over while also cherishing each moment.

Here’s a photo of my husband and baby. I do love then both so much.

And another one just of the baby:

Thanks for reading. Wishing much love and support to other moms going through this same phase.