Hey guys! So, I need advice. For you guys who saw my last post, my ex had cheated on me and I was moving on. And I did. However, many people tried to date me and get to know me romantically, and I wanted to see how it would go. I couldn’t have any form of connection other than slight friendship. I rejected tons of amazing people who were my type, but I had no feelings like that towards them. And I was scared of getting close to someone again.

Well, on Saturday I had a choir contest (I’m going to state competitions!) and talked to my friend Andrew about it. Anyways, I started remembering old times and childhood memories. When I was 9 I had a best friend named Jamie. She was the stepdaughter if my dad’s best friend. Anyways, she and I did everything together. We were the best of friends and I loved her dearly. Anyways at the age of 12, her 17 year old brother convinced me to have sex with him. Now, I didn’t regret it until I realized he actually went to jail for some pretty serious stuff. Anyways, her mom divorced her stepdad. Neither of us know exactly what happened, but all we know is that we couldn’t see each other anymore.

That was in 7th-8th grade. I’m a junior in high school and the age 17. I’ve been with several partners, been in love, etc etc.

But when I was talking to my friend on the phone this past Saturday, I decided that I had enough. After years of not seeing her or anything and constantly thinking about her, I did some digging on social media. And I found her. I quickly added her and texted her relative who goes to my school, and Sunday morning my best friend texted me. We spent all Sunday catching up and me crying of joy. But then, she said something. She asked me “how would you feel if I still had a crush on you?”

I was almost speechless. Because when we were 12, she confessed to me and due to us living in homophobic households, I didn’t date her. But she was the first person I kissed.

I told her that I would be extremely happy and asked her if she did. She said “maybeeeeee” in a playful/flirty way. Those feelings and memories from long ago resurfaced and I felt that connection I had longed for. It was stronger than my connection with my ex, and way more powerful.

Anyways we spent the night singing on the phone and just being cringe, and just simply enjoying life.

Monday came around and it was amazing. I got my permit (finally!), and I got a medal. After school she called me and introduced me to her friend group and I jokingly said that I was her new girlfriend (although now I was hoping for that to happen) and I saw a guy and he said “you wish”

I laughed until I saw him kiss her. I’m not gonna lie, my heart SANK to the ground. I had to move the camera away from my face and it took a lot for me to not cry. I asked if they were dating and she said “nooooo we just kissed for the hell of it” and I was like “I mean, that could’ve been it” and laughed nervously. Then they started talking about how he asked her to prom today and she said yes, and that they got back together (they had dated before). I stayed on the phone for as long as possible for her until I couldn’t and had to hang up. I said “I love you!” And before she could answer her boyfriend goes “I love her more” and I just hung up. I feel bad for feeling this way, but I don’t know how to exactly feel about this. I spent a long time crying. But then I composed myself and texted her a few times. Then she just stopped replying. I didn’t think anything of it until I looked and saw she opened my message. She did that three times before texting me saying that she was busy and was going to bed, and she said goodnight and blah blah blah cute stuff.

I am happy for her. I am. I’m in no way upset or angry with her. I’m upset with myself that I allowed to catch/have feelings emerge from deep inside me for my best friend. I don’t knowing I just have a small crush or love or what. But I know I love her with all my heart (friendship wise at least). But I need advice. How should I go about this?