I have regular depression/anxiety and now ppd and usually if I have thoughts to hurt myself or kill myself I think of my kids and it prevents me. It was a good control for me(meds usually make me worse) Well I just had my baby 6 weeks ago and I went in depth as to how I could painlessly end my life. My kids didn't work anymore. I shut them out. I shut out my husband. I don't feel a bond with my baby. I love her like I love my others but it feels different. It's like she's not mine she's more of a relative that I have to care for. About a week ago the smallest thing(my husband pushing me because I wouldn't express myself) and I completely broke down. I left my other three kids with their dad and took baby with me in the car. I drove. I live in the hills and I very badly wanted to crash my car... I wanted a gun or pills or anything because that night I was done. I scared my husband and myself really. I ended up parking and just crying for hours. When I went back home I ignored my family. My kids were very upset. Constantly asking where I was and why I wouldn't talk to them or see them. I'm usually very lovey on my kids. The next few days I kept to myself. My husband left me alone because I refused to speak to him. My kids weren't allowed to see me. I took care of the baby but that's about it. Once I started coming out of my room, I felt a little better. I didn't feel so stressed and cornered. I started getting back into my family. Until. My 6 year old(oldest of four) kept asking things. Like why I stay in bed all day. Why I'm not eating. Why I'm upset. If I'm okay. He's loving on me all day. Wants to stay near me at all times. He follows me around the house. He's told me several times a day that I need to eat something. A few days later I made an appointment with my doctor. My child shouldnt have to be effected by something I'm feeling. He shouldn't be worrying about me like a parent would. He shouldn't have to follow me around to know that I'm not going to disappear. He shouldnt have to deal with a mom that would rather be dead. (I also spoke with my son and told him although I appreciate him caring as much as he does it's not his job to do those things for me) I'm getting put on a med that my doctor is going to monitor closely in case it worsens my depression/PPD/anxiety. My doctor wants me to go see a counselor or psychologist.

The point of this is to make others aware how fast this can happen. This was the span of about 1-2 weeks. If you are feeling off in any way please don't be afraid to seek help. Find something to center yourself. Remember the things you love. And know that people love yo and how you're feeling is not your fault.