Text to my husband this morning. All I’ve done is cry this morning.

I know I’ve been out of it here lately. I know I’ve been up and down with my mood. I know it’s been hard for you to deal with and I know it’s confusing.

I’m tired. I’m so physically and mentally tired. I don’t get a break, ever. I always have a child with me, crying or screaming or not cooperating. I don’t get any time alone, no quiet time because not all of them sleep the whole nap time, no eating alone or even eating real meals, I can’t go to the bathroom alone or even shower alone. I’m constantly surrounded. Even on the rare occurrence of them all sleeping, I can’t even rest because the house is disgusting and it takes me forever because I’m exhausted. It literally takes everything I have to stand up or keep my eyes open. I’ve talked to you time after time about how I feel, how tired and burnt out I am but you still aren’t grasping it.

As soon as I get down, you get pissed off. You start throwing a fit because I’m not jumping of the walls for you. How do you expect me to open up to you when you don’t even let me feel these things? I barely know how to explain in depth what I’m feeling so I get just as frustrated as you when you’re questioning me.

I couldn’t even lay in the room alone last night. Sean banging on the door, you coming in and out, then you and Elias come back there.

You can say all day you see how rough it is here, but you don’t truly know. As soon as a baby starts crying, so do I. It’s getting so bad and the fact that I’m stuck here 6 days of the week doesn’t help. The fact that when I do decide to run to town you question the shit out of me and start acting weird. Even when we do go out on Sunday, it’s short lived and stressful for 2 reasons. The boys and you. The boys are pretty self explanatory, and you have little to no patience with going out. Why? Because you get to leave the house, every fucking day. You’re tired of being in town.

You get to drive. You get alone time. You get to blare your music. You get adult contact and conversation. You get to cry alone. You get to shower and use the bathroom in peace. You get to take a carefree, child free nap. You get to go play your game and sit alone. You still have every single one of your freedoms. I have given up all of mine. And I don’t think you realize that. Not to sound ungrateful, because I absolutely love being home with the boys, but you need to understand I’m paying a price by doing so. I’ve given up a lot. I need you to try your damn hardest to put yourself in my place, ok? Because this routine isn’t working.

I’m allowed to have feelings. I’m allowed to shut down sometimes, I’m allowed to feel whatever way I please. You need to understand and respect that.

You want to try and make point “we only get *so and so* time together and you’re going to act like this?!” Yes, yes I am. Because I can’t control it and you’re not helping it, I can’t help that the wave of sadness decided to run over me, I’m not able to control how I feel.

The way you cussed the other night (which better not ever happen again), because he was being picky about eating, you got very frustrated. You weren’t even alone with him for an hour before that happened. Multiply your frustration times 3+ more kids for 8+ hours, alone. Put yourself in my shoes and try to understand. I shouldn’t have to tiptoe around you because I’m feeling drained. That’s not fair.

The next time you want to get pissed about me being sad, please just stop and think about everything I told you happened that day. Just stop and think about what you’re going to say or do, is it going to add stress to me or help me. How you react is a big factor and that’s something you need to realize.

Will post his reply later if y’all want. I babysit in home as well. For clarification.