So.. I was 16 weeks pregnant. My husband and I went to centering (a pregnancy class thing) They gave us a bag of baby stuff and started checking all the mommies/babies heartbeat. It came to my turn and she couldn't find it... I just remember laying down and thinking how exited i was and yet worried... I told my husbands for days how i just needa hear the heartbeat, i couldn't wait to just know everything was ok. I just started having feelings like something was wrong. Yet had no signs anything was wrong. We finally made it there and as she was checking to find it i started tearing up n kept telling myself not to cry its ok... She'll find it... I looked down at my husband and before we just looked at each other. We both knew. Then i sat up and started bawling. Shes telling me not to worry. It happens lets go take an ultrasound. The ultrasound was being worked on.. She (the midwife) asked if i wanted to comeback and join the class until its fixed and my husband and i agreed too. It was awful. All i could think was omg my baby might be dead right now. And this girl was telling her story of her pregnancy and how she had another kid already... I was ready to lose it. That's when they came in nd said it was fixed. We went up and 2 different doctors looked and the news was... The baby stopped growing 3 to 4 weeks prior. I started cracking up. Like laughing. I then started hysterically crying once the docs left the room. I was in such shock. U know, the normal why mes? And the what did i dos?... I then had to go home all night knowing i was carrying my dead baby. Also dreading going to the hospital to do my first over night stay and have a d n c done. Once it came time to go i stood in my doorway thinking this is the last time ill be pregnant with this baby in my home. It was so effin sad. Ik it sounds crazy. But my husband and i go up to the hospital and i awfully had to stay on the delivery floor. Baby pics everywhere. I hated it and honestly i was terrified of the things going down that night. I hate mf needles so i asked for something to calm me down after 6 times of trying to get the iv started. They finally got it in and gave me something. Soon the pain started kicking in... They gave me pain meds a from that point on i just felt like i kept needing more. It was awful. I was so messed up i barely knew what was going on. I literally didnt sleep at all. I layed there off and on crying. By the next morning i was still pretty doped up. I asked to see the baby. And once the time came around for me to see the baby i could barley effin stay awake. From all the meds and the Anasisa.. I hate myself for that. The little time i had with my baby i couldnt stay awake. Im still so pissed about that(its been a month) . i feel like i just really messed up dude. I think about ot all the time. The whole situation to me it was just tragic af. I miss being pregnant. I miss knowing i was going to be a mom. I have been trying for years and now im back to trying and i hate it. I just feel lile its starting to make me really depressed. I dream about it. It's on my mind all day. I try to keep my mind off of it but where i live its snowy and we dont have sunshine at the moment and i quit my job due to being so sick while pregnant. I have run out of things to do. I just wanna be pregnant and things to go back to normal. Everyone acts like its no big deal. But my heart and world is shattered.