On Tuesday I went for my 1st prenatal appointment. According to my LMP I was 8+1. I love the doctor I was assigned to, she is the one who delivered my son. She was so pumped when she came in the room. During the US she found baby and said it has a perfect yolk sac. And when she measured baby was only measuring 6+3 or 4. Her first question to me was whether or not I could have my dates wrong. At the time and even now, I’m not sure that I do.

My LMP was 12/16. I’m usually really regular, but in November my period was 3 days late. That usually never happens. I was supposed to get my period on 1/13 and by 1/16 I still hadn’t gotten it yet so I tested, and got a really dark positive. I will say that with my first pregnancy, I tested the day I was due and got a really dark line.

I also kind of remember the night of 12/30, he didn’t pull out even though I told him to, I guess it just wasn’t fast enough. This would have been like 2 days before I was scheduled to ovulate according to my app. We weren’t trying so I don’t know when we ovulated, but I don’t remember when we had sex after that and I feel like that was the only time he didn’t pull out.... so I feel like my dates aren’t off...

My doctor also mentioned the HR was a little slow, I don’t know how slow though. She said everything looks normal for 6+ weeks but not if I’m really 8 weeks. I go back next Wednesday for a follow up to see if baby grew or if it didn’t. I’m so scared of going and finding out its heart is no longer beating, and it hasn’t grown since 6 weeks. I feel like it’s inevitable that’s what’s going to happen.

I’ve been reading stories, this seems pretty prevalent because I’ve read about several just in the past few days, and I’ve heard some positive outcome stories where women still had a healthy baby, but I also read about the ones where it’s not a happy ending.

I’m a realist (Hi, I’m a Virgo 🤷🏼‍♀️) and I haven’t given up but I’m trying to prepare myself for next week. That day I was all doom and gloom and my fiancé is trying to stay positive and saying things like “my baby girl is just small” which breaks my heart. Then for a second yesterday I felt a glimmer of hope that everything will be okay, but now it’s crushed again, because here comes my negative thoughts. This wasn’t planned but I want this baby. I’m terrified of going through a miscarriage. I’m terrified of where my mind is going to go if that happens.

Sorry for the long post, I don’t have many people I can talk to because no one really knows, and I’m a weirdo and hold everything in anyway... guess I just needed to vent. If you made it this far, thanks for hearing me out.