*LONG STORY*

kind of over the place a little but I’m sorry! I’m just trying to give y’all the jist of things & explain my feelings with out it being too big of a novel. Lots of little details missing but these are the big details.

Back story; My children’s father & I started dating 3 years ago. Things were amazing at first. I got pregnant pretty quickly with our daughter & it seems that about 2 short weeks after that, he changed for the worse! He started becoming angry, controlling, & abusive. He was every thing but physically abusive, until one day my ex who was now IN PRISON called & wouldn’t leave me alone despite me blocking his number from being able to call me but apparently he could still call off of other peoples accounts so he would do just that, anyways we got into it over this & he put his hands on me for the first time that night. I should have left him before that but no, I made bad decisions & never left until I was farther along & he just acted like he didn’t care about my pregnancy or our precious little one growing inside my belly. Finally, I left him but it wasn’t but two weeks until he begged me to come back & his words sounded so good & he swore things would be different. Me being naive & wanting my kids to never grow up in a separate home, I of course took him back. We were on & off for a long time. We had our daughter & things were a little bit better, but they started getting worse again the more stressed out we got because or daughter was in the NICU for 3 months due to gastroschisis. Fast forward, she comes home & we get into a huge fight the next day, I was living with him at his moms due to him not saving money for us to get a place & blowing $900 that his dad gave him for a place & cops were called but nothing was done because I didn’t have any where to go with my baby & I was scared so I didn’t press charges. One day, basically he messed up my eye & my face & I left for a few months, found out I was pregnant again right after I left, got into a new relationship, & I was happy! Until, the new relationship ended so quickly because I got scared actually being treated right & he came back again & said things would be different & let’s have our family together & again, I took him back like an idiot but I wanted nothing more than to have my family together, especially with not only one child who had already been through so much but with an other child on the way! His words haunted me & I thought no one would love me or my kids or want to take us all in so I went back, we had our son, & his mom gave us her house because she built an other one. Things were worse than ever & I was trying to find a way out until finally one night he snapped & abused me in multiple ways for 2 days straight & finally told my mom he wanted us out & her husband finally let us come stay here. Mistakes of the story is ever since we’ve been at my moms, most days I’m happier than ever & the guy I had previously gotten into a relationship with before when I left him for months has come back into our lives (I should mention I’ve known him since I was 7 years old & we’ve always been really great friends so together or not we’ll always remain friends) but other times my heart hurts for me, for him, their brother who he had with some one else before me, but most importantly for my babies. I guess my question is, when do you or how can I get over this?! I want to move on & give my man all of me & let him do the selfless, amazing, sweet things he’s trying to do for us or just be single til’ I can heal & am completely ready for a relationship but I just .. can’t. I can’t do either! & half of the time a part of me wants to be with the guy I’m talking to & half of the time a part of me wants to remain friends & I think it’s because I just can’t get over every thing that’s happened the last 3 years, how my children’s father & I ended, etc. I know I shouldn’t miss my children’s father, but sometimes I do but most of the time I’m thinking about how much he’s hurt me & how much I can’t stand him! & I also think about how these babies & I are better off apart from him because they don’t deserve that type of environment. Please tell me this goes away?! I want to move on, whether that be with a relationship or just by my self single for a while until I can heal but I can’t when I have all of these feelings holding me back. I just wanted him to change & act right. & I guess the thing that really hurts is the fact that he couldn’t .. for my self & his family. I just don’t understand any of it. Any advice is appreciated on what you guys did to help you out of a situation like this or if you know some one who’s done it, that’d be amazing too. Thank you in advance! People always say that leaving a toxic person is amazing & while it is, there is also still a grieving process that comes with that & I never imagined it’d be this hard! 😭

P.S. You ladies don’t have to tell me twice how gullible & dumb I am for letting things even get this far, I just really would love to know if this gets better or how I can make it better & make my dumb ass feelings go away so I don’t end up back where I was a month & a half ago before we moved with my mom & her husband which was miserable as hell!