⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️

-Please bear with me because this is gonna be kind of lengthy-

8 months ago, I thought I injured myself. I thought I injured myself by running because of the massive pain I was having throughout one side of my body. I finally got an MRI 3 days ago and the results are not good, so I have to go to the doctor office on Monday.

I’ve had a problem with eating since I was 10 years old. I have IBS so I quite literally couldn’t finish my plate most times because of how badly my stomach and intestines reacted to the food. Soon, it all became a weight loss game. Women surrounding me always talk about how fat they are and how they need to lose weight. It’s rubbed off on me since then.

2 years ago, I became vegan for health reasons. I wanted to fix my relationship with food, because I had gotten down to 104 pounds, which is underweight (I have to be at least 110 pounds to be at a healthy weight).

I began to lose my period, I made myself throw up, I starved myself for 24-36 hours at a time, I was so obsessed with becoming smaller.

I’ve gained the weight I needed to. Last time I weighed myself, I was 114 pounds. When I injured myself 8 months ago, I decided it was no longer necessary to track my calories.

I’ve been forced to become sedentary and I’ve forced myself to not track my calories, which I quite honestly think that’s what best for me right now... to get out of those habits.

However, I still feel guilty about gaining weight sometimes, even though I love body positivity and size inclusivity. I still remember the calories that are in certain foods, and what a portion looks like.

I feel guilty about wanting to be on birth control, too. Because it will most likely make me gain weight, and according to some of my family members, it’s best to be skinny.

The guilt has gotten better in the last 2-3 years, but it’s still there sometimes and I have to fight the daily urge to make sure I go off rails completely. My mom and boyfriend make sure I eat. But my mom doesn’t think professional help will do my any good because from experience, she says “it doesn’t do anything good for you.”

I feel guilty about my pain and being sedentary even though doctor mandates me to rest and do rehabilitation exercises; I feel guilty about not tracking calories; I feel guilty about wanting to be on birth control; I feel guilty for gaining 10ish pounds; and I feel guilty about not being able to completely rid myself of this mental disease.

Any ideas on how to combat this and continue to get better without professional help? I’m trying so hard but it’s starting to ruin my relationship.