Ever since I had my baby 7 weeks ago I’ve been in a constant state of anxiety/depersonalization. It’s been awful. It started right after I gave birth. I had no connection to my baby nothing felt real, I couldn’t physically hold her I just felt numb. During labor I had a false positive drug test, yes an actual false positive I have never touched a drug in my life. Well when I was 6 cm dilated a nurse came in kicked everyone out and said I tested positive for morphine. I was crying telling her to blood test me, take a piece of my hair anything. She also proceeded to tell me the hospital is sending it off to state, I was happy because I knew it would come back negative. Well here’s the thing you can’t breastfeed your baby until it comes back negative. They won’t let you be alone with your baby (my husband had to go home to be with our 18 month old and my 7 year old step son), so my husband found babysitters. They told me state testing takes 3 days! 3 freaking days. So all this time I’m asking them to simply retest and they won’t. So I wasn’t able to breastfeed at all they handed me formula and I was devastated because I didn’t breastfeed my first but was looking forward to breasting this one. I was treated awful by several nurses because they thought I was doing drugs. When they would switch shifts they would say “SHE TESTED POSITIVE FOR MORPHINE” I talked to the charge nurse cried and begged to just do another drug test and somehow someway she expedited the state drug test it took 48 hours. It obviously came back negative but this whole experience was scary. They told me I was one of 18 with false positives this year. I GAVE BIRTH AT THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR. I can only imagine how many women went through this. This whole experience has made me so numb. I went to a therapist and she said I have birth trauma. I don’t even know if I have the right to call it trauma because I know so many other women go through worse. Im having a really hard time getting over this and I feel so stupid because this issue seems so small.