I can’t believe I am about to open up about this. But I need a shoulder or a few..... I am so depressed. And no one understands.

Basically I was adopted.... and bought to Australia. I had found out when I was ten and went searching for my biological parents when I was 16 who live in South Africa.

I found my father when I was 18 and built a very strong relationship with him.... we were best friends.

My mother got in contact with my father when I was 21 and asked to have my number and then my mother and I had built a relationship.

My mother basically came to me and told me my father raped me and my sisters which is one of many reasons we were removed and placed in an orphanage. I didn’t believe it.... I thought she was just jealous of our relationship.

Then I search for my biological sisters as I heard they were adopted and bought to Sydney Australia TOO! After years of searching a link bought me to my sisters Facebook... after some questions we had confirmed that yes we were sisters.... after telling her I am in contact with our parents she had shut down... she went quiet and our other sister (that she was adopted with) had told me not to contact them anymore.... basically after some time of me not understanding why my sisters wanted no relationship with me my youngest had come to me and said that my father raped them and they remember it....

Frozen... numb everything came crumbling before my eyes.. how could he? He loves me he would never do this??? I’ve been sending him pictures of my daughters??? No I couldn’t possibly believe it... then a few months later.... my father was drunk and crying to me over the phone... and out came his fucking confession. I tried to stop him. I didn’t want to HEAR IT... I knew I would hate him... for the many years I had nightmares of me being raped... the many years as a small child I have suffered being able to look a man in the eyes or even come close to a man as I fear they will rape me..... but it was all making sense.... I shut down... my heart was breaking because how could I still live a man that had not only taken my childhood from me... but actually ruined me. Ruined the way I lived... ruined the way I see men who look and smile and myself or my daughters.... I loved this man!

Last year in December my father died. My mother called me and I was out with my husband while he was getting a hair cut. My mother calls and I hear the sound in her voice “Kirsten my baby. I am so sorry. Your father is dying” I remember getting up.... in the barber I couldn’t breath... everything was white and I dropped.

I spoke to my father that day... after not speaking to him after his shock confession.... and the sound of his voice ate at my heart!! I cried and begged him not to leave me... he told everyone in the hospital that I was his star child. That I was his princess and I was the reason he is a proud man today.... so stay with me... stayyyyy.... I spoke to him that once and then the next three days his friend was passing on messages as my father was unable to speak. But hearing my voice messages my father would apparently lay in bed with no strength to speak and look at his mate and cry.... then that was it. My dad died. It was over so quick.

I can not help but be angry at myself. For cutting him off and he needed me. He needed someone... but my husband doesn’t understand how I can live a man that did this to me and I keep telling myself and him that I never knew him like this. I knew him as someone who loved me more than anyone in this world apart from my own kid’s.... but.... I am left feeling guilty for loving my father. I feel guilty for... some what’s forgiving him... I feel guilty for feeling pain for him.... I feel hurt. I feel anger I am so confused. If anyone has read this I would love some advice.... please. I am not coping honestly.