I really should hate my husband

Sorry for the long post but I need to get this off my chest and can't tell him any of it out of fear.

He's really done a lot to hurt me. Mentally hes strained me. He cheated 3 months into our marriage WHILE I WAS PREGNANT! He spent the day I was miscarrying with his mistress instead of consoling me and my pains. He yells at me over stupid shit (for example: me not being able to get into my TurboTax to find out my AGI from last year or spending $50 on food when we're low and not buying smokes instead). I'm a stay at home wife/step mom and I have jobs here I'm supposed to do like clean, cook, take care of the kiddo, take care of the dog, etc but this house cant be perfectly spotless every single fucking day. Its impossible and I try my hardest to do the best. I dont cook a hot meal every night because he always complains about what I cook and doesnt give me tips on how to make it better. Physically he has put his hands on me in ways a man should never. He almost broke my finger last week...on purpose because I flipped him off for being a dick while I was trying to get into my TurboTax to figure out my AGI from last year and then yelled at me for him being cut $3k for not being able to claim me as a depandent. He's threatened to hit me on multiple occasions and even come close to doing it with a closed fist. He's convinced me to have sex with him multiple times when I really didnt want to. He's threatened to kick me out multiple times. Told me that I'm nothing more than scum from the hometown I'm from and then started disrespecting my family. I'm at my fucking breaking point! I want to leave, but I can't. Wanna know why? Because no matter how much I want to hate him... I still love him. I can't push myself to leave... Maybe I'm truly the idiot and naive wife in this...He has made me feel like no man could ever love me because of my past and because he makes me feel like a really shitty person overall. I know this is toxic and I know I need to leave, I just dont have the strength to walk away. I'm insecure nowadays and don't think I even know my worth anymore...

EDIT:

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To the person asking what I love about him... I love the good days. The ones where he does act like a husband. Those days are rare, but they're craved by me. I love how he holds me close at night. His sense of humor matches mine. But that's about it. I cant think of anything else. I cant even brag about him.