To the lady who posted “do I stay”

Your post was about your 2 year marriage and the drinking and violence your husband has started showing. I wrote out a response for you, and then your post was deleted. I hope you find this post and that it is able to help you in some way. Here is my reply:

I would start by being completely open and honest with him. Don’t come at him in anger, because most people don’t want to be “talked at”. Come to him from a place of calmness and explain that violence is never okay, and it’s not something you will tolerate, ever. Make it clear to him that you are feeling neglected and used and that that is also not okay. Tell him exactly how you feel, trying not to be too emotional about it. Something that has always helped me talk to my husband about hard things is to write it all out before speaking to him. I will make a list of everything I want to discuss with him, and then ask him if we can sit down and have a conversation.

So from your post, your list would be:

1. It makes me angry and hurt that you threw a remote at me. Where it hit me was in the stomach, but if it had hit me anywhere else, it still wouldn’t have be justified. That is never okay.

2. I feel as though you are emotionally, physically, and mentally distanced from me. It feels like your intentions with me are no longer the same as they were when we met. If you are emotionally or physically somewhere else in your mind, you need to make that clear to me and we can possibly figure out how to work through this together.

3. Your drinking is getting out of hand. When you drink you turn into another person, and I don’t appreciate who that person is. Again, violence will not be tolerated. I would like if we could come to an understanding about this. I’m not saying I don’t ever want you to drink, but limiting how much you drink is necessary at this point.

4. Sexual intimacy is something I value in our marriage. When you texted me the other day and said to put on sexy underwear, I got excited and was ready to have sex as soon as you got home. It really frustrated me that you were no longer interested. I understand that sometimes that will happen, but I also need you to know that I need sexual intimacy from you. I need to fell loved and valued and appreciated from you in every aspect of life.

Or something like that. I don’t know if any of that sounds plausible to you, but that is how I would personally handle the situation you’re in. Making things work with someone is hard. If you have not completely checked out of this marriage emotionally, I would try everything I could to fix it and get back to a good place. A lot of women on here will probably tell you to leave him, but that will be hard to do too if you’re still emotionally connected. Violence is never okay, and if it continues, I would strongly urge you to report it and remove yourself and your children from that situation. If it does continue, you never know when/if your husband could snap and turn on your children to hurt them. Best of luck to you, momma, I genuinely hope the best for you, your marriage, and your children.