I am really in need of some solid advice ladies. I just feel so lost and broken at the moment and I cant seem to get out of this rut. Its pretty long and kind of all over the place, so if you have the time to read and comment, it'll be very much appreciated.

So to start, im turning 26 in april. I know that I have the basics. A roof over my head, even though its just a small studio apt. My car is paid off, but it develops a new issue every month. I live with my bf of almost 2 years and our 3 kitties. I have more than a lot of people at my age, which I am grateful for, yet sometimes I feel like I have nothing. I have this unbearable empty feeling in my chest. My bf is so loving and caring, he does whatever I ask, he doesnt neglect me, he respects women and never makes me feel uncomfortable. I fully believe hes the one for me.

I was diagnosed with acute clinical depression, OCD, and anxiety at 17 when I was sent to a mental institution for cutting. For the most part, ive been able to overcome a lot on my own when I got out. I stopped taking my anti-depressants because they made me feel numb. I kicked my eating disorder, stopped self harming, I started meditating, practicing yoga as well as weight lifting, went on more nature walks, and I use marijuana and CBD oil for my anger and anxiety...Well now that feeling of despair is starting to creep in again.

(A bit of backstory) My mother had me 15 yrs old and im the oldest out of 6. Shes a whole nother story, but I barely am able to get any advice or guidance from her- we have a few issues. Having so many siblings was a natural birth control for me, considering I had to help raise ALL of them, plus being poor af. I always told myself and others that I never want kids, im actually the only one in my family to pass 18 with no kids. For years, I viewed them as little drooling monsters, I even told my bf that I never want to have them(child birth scares tf out of me)...but recently, like a month ago, I started to feel different. Ive been getting super jealous whenever I see a newborn or a well behaved child. I get upset when I see women playing with their kids. I fucking cried in the shower the other day because I feel like I just want a baby SO bad. My bf loves kids and told me that hes ready to have one whenever I am, which is reassuring. But ive been telling him no for so long, that im a little embarrassed to bring it up. Is that normal?? Im worried of being judged from my family(mainly my fathers side), because im not married yet. I have no schooling under my belt and work as a server. I mean, I plan on going back to school for anthropology once I finish my GED(about a month,only 2 tests left), but im worried about how difficult it'll be. Between working, going to school, and TTC. I know once I do have a baby, I'd like to be a sahm for a bit and maybe homeschool. But I would feel terrible about pinning all the financial responsibility on my bf. Im a fiercely independent person who has always made my own money, and it just doesnt seem right to me.

I know that my estrogen is pretty low, so im worried about having difficulties if I do TTC. I guess I just feel like my clock is ticking. I find myself panicking over time a lot. Always worried about doing something to late in life.

My questions to you ladies:

*Does it get harder to conceive as you get older?

*How do you personally decide when your ready to have children?

*What are the chances of passing along your mental illnesses?

*Does having children hinder your ability to get things done, or does it push you harder?

Writing all this out and reading it makes me feel kind of stupid, like people have much bigger issues than this. But any kind of advice would be helpful, wether its good or bad. I just need some guidance 😔