Growing up Catholic makes life hard.

A few years ago I moved out and in with my first boyfriend at 17. I wasn’t raised this way, and have gained depression ever since. I’m now 19 tomorrow. We are now 19 weeks pregnant as well. I love my boyfriend, he’s the only one I see myself with. He’s amazing and positive and honest and kind. It’s just he didn’t grow up religious and I did. It’s hard because we’re sexually active (obviously) and I’ve obviously disappointed my parents. They’re very happy and haven’t been negative once about the baby. The first couple years were hard on me because me moving out so impulsively upset my parents. I love my parents dearly, but have an extremely impulsive personality flaw. Which led me to moving out. A whole thing went down where my parents found out I was sexually active with my boyfriend. And my older brother started being really rude towards me and saying that none of my family wanted me there. Obviously hurt and running away from my problems, I moved out the next night. I graduated a year early, and was way more mature than my (1 year) older brother, so me at the time, felt it was unfair my brother had free reign, and I still had basically a 7:00 bedtime (sarcastic but it’s how I felt) but anyway after this incident I’ve grown up a lot. I appreciate and value the meaning of family to my core. I’m honest with them, I love them. They are all my best friends. I actually got 100% closer with them and amends were made once they found out I was pregnant at 11 weeks. I guess it’s my hormones and my birthday being tomorrow, but life feels dull. I can’t seem to find strength to live right by God. I almost feel it’s too late since I’m not married and I’m pregnant and living with my boyfriend. I feel like if we don’t get married, then I can’t truly make amends with god. So I just try to ignore these feelings of deep depression and Catholic guilt. But it always comes out from the back of my mind and tears me apart on certain days. I just am afraid for my soul. Other than sexual behavior, and living before marriage, I’d say I’m an amazing person! I work everyday, got my esthetician license recently. Have a great relationship with my family. But I’m lacking God in my relationship with my boyfriend. I’ve stopped going to church every Sunday and really tuning into my religion. He didn’t grow up religious (BUT he’s not even against the idea of God and church. He just wasn’t raised that way so he doesn’t know better. And I don’t bring it up because I feel too busy and I get emotional when I talk about God. Start crying like every time) But I just feel like very lost and stuck. I’m sad to bring my baby into a relationship that isn’t bonded by marriage. I also wouldn’t feel heartwarmed if my boyfriend proposed anytime soon. 1. Because of the constant “sarcastic jabs” of comments about marriage my parents will sneak into conversation. Which will take away from the beauty of it being my boyfriends choice to choosing to marry. 2. Because I’m pregnant. (My boyfriend is amazing and wouldn’t marry me or be with me if he didn’t want to obviously, so I know he wouldn’t do it because of pressure. BUT from my point of view, marriage has no beauty in it if he were to do it just because of my parents in the back of my mind pressuring it to happen right away. I would LOVE to make things right by God. And idk if I’m stubborn. I know I’m weak obviously, otherwise I would’ve already attempted to turn my life around by moving out of our apartment and by myself somewhere. But it’s hard. And I’m depressed. And I feel lost.