I was just diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder and I'm struggling to deal with it. This new diagnoses comes after a 3-4 month long manic episode with serious consequences for me and my family. While I was manic I resented being a mom and went out a lot. I got new friends who were terrible for me and I had a month long affair. I spent a ton of money we didn't have and put us in a bad spot financially.

I know all those things sound awful and go ahead and judge me. But I need help. I'm struggling to come to terms with the things I did while manic. I know it will sound stupid but it really feels like someone else was living my life making these decisions. Not manic me is tight with the budget and I am so careful not to overspend. I've never even considered cheating on my husband, and yet I had an affair with a man I'm not even attracted to. He was a work friend I never had any interest in. I love being a mom, and all I've ever wanted is to be a stay at home mom. And then at the end I was so overwhelmed by everything I did I tried to end my life. Which caused me to lose my job.

My wonderful husband of 10 years has not left me though if it were me I would have. He is hiring and that's killing me because I know it's all my fault and I don't know how to handle that. I've now dropped into a depressive episode which I'm struggling so much with. I'm talking anti depressants to help with that. But still I struggle almost daily with wanting to end my life, but not wanting to because I don't want to do that to my kids.

I didn't know I was bipolar until a week ago, but it has made so many things make sense in my life. But I'm struggling to put manicme and the me I've been all my life together. Has anyone else gone through this? Can someone help me understand how I became a completely different person and ruined my life?