Hi everyone I got HSV1 from oral sex and am not coping very well with accepting it/ feel depleted, robbed of everything. I feel empty and disgusting. I feel like I have nothing left to live for/ nothing matters anymore. I was in the best position I’ve ever been with myself and at peace with my past for the first time in years/ quite possibly my whole life. I’ve never had an sti before. I’m normally very careful, I get people to get tested and show me at least for sex anyway despite still using condoms too. I started seeing a guy I’ve known for years/ felt I could trust but he’s had cold sores most of his life and appt never knew they were herpes. They were infrequent. We were both aware and acknowledged the sore on his lip but I had no idea that it was herpes because it was one singular large sore and definitely not like any cold sores id ever seen. I also had no idea it could end up on my vagina, for the rest of my life (not only in outbreak form but the virus itself). Hence I blame myself for not knowing better. But still resentful towards him for not being safer. He says he had a blood test recently around dec/ jan but it came back negative for herpes. I read online that a negative result is common for herpes in bloods and if it’s not a fresh lesion. I just feel numb, I don’t know how to deal with this. Even if I don’t get them regularly I’ll be anticipating them and stressing myself out to the point where I probably bring them out. I wish I could take this back.