Needed to vent

This is Avery, my first baby! He’s 6 months and 3 weeks. He was home for 1 whole month, we been in the hospital for 5 months. It sucks so much that out of all the fears that a mother would have I feel like I’ve been living my worse one. He have pulmonary hypertension and a rare lung disease but they don’t know what caused any of it. Over his stay in the hospital he had ups and downs and for the pass week or so he’s been having a bump in the road. My heart aches so much, I just want to be a mother to him! We waiting on a lung transplant but they don’t think he can wait much longer. They wanna do this surgery on him which only been done only 5 times and only 1 good out come;

it suppose to help give him more time until he’s able to get a lung transplant. It’s an open heart surgery and He been through so much; I wish I could just hold him and make his lungs better. I’m so scared! I’ve been taking everything out on my husband so he most likely hate me rn and he says I need to get help. Just feel lost and needed to vent.