Mental health awareness

I’m writing this to beg you to be kind, compassionate and understanding of others, even if they bend or break the rules regarding this virus. You don’t know what battles people are fighting. I’m writing this after snapping at my son all morning because I’ve been struggling deeply with depression since this whole thing began. I’m writing this after struggling for the last month with thoughts of suicide and self-harm.

I have PTSD and PPD. But guys I was doing so well. I had finally found a coping strategy that worked incredibly well for me — getting together with other moms and finding someone to watch the kids for a while if I was really struggling. I was on a medication that helped, I barely had depressive episodes anymore. I was able to be a mom to my kids and take care of our home. I’m heartbroken at the toll this is taking on me, and the way it’s affecting my family. And before you say “well you can video call” or “find a new hobby” or “find a therapist to video chat with” or “get outside” or “don’t read the news so much”, I AM DOING ALL OF THOSE THINGS.

I’m still depressed because my life has freaking changed drastically in a really shitty way, and I desperately want a break from all of it. I’m still depressed because sometimes no matter what you do or try, depression is still there. I’m still depressed because I HAVE A PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDER and sometimes it just doesn’t go away. So PLEASE stop lecturing people with mental illness on how they can cope “better”. Please don’t tell me we are less deserving of compassion and support than an “at-risk” population. We ARE a freaking at-risk population! Please don’t overlook us and write us off and prioritize the physical health of others over our mental and physical health. I don’t want to struggle with thoughts of suicide and self-harm for the first time in years! I don’t want to wish I was in a psych ward because then at least I’d have someone to talk to. I don’t want to feel this way, and I am desperately struggling with this. Please, please try to understand.

There are so many others like me out there RIGHT NOW. There are people who have killed themselves from the isolation. There are children trapped with abusive parents. There are addicts turning back to drugs and alcohol. If you don’t know why someone took their child with them to the grocery store, DON’T JUDGE THEM. If you don’t know why someone visited a family member, leave them the hell alone. Mental illness is a very real struggle and a HUGE portion of the population is fighting that battle every day, and now they are doing it physically isolated from coping strategies that worked for them, and from the people who supported them.

I am struggling, and I’m considering seeing a friend. If you want to judge me, go ahead. But if anyone else out there is also thinking about asking a friend or relative for help, do not feel guilty. You aren’t alone. Your mental and physical health matters just as much as the next person’s. Please take care of yourself. Exercise caution, be conscientious, but don’t neglect yourself and kill yourself for the “greater good”. YOU MATTER. Your life matters. Your health matters, and you are not responsible for a natural occurrence like a virus.

I just want to survive. I should NOT be made to feel guilty for trying to survive.