So I guess I'll give some backstory.

I am 22 and my bf is 26, we have been dating for 3 years 4 months and we have been living together for 2 years.

The first year was amazing, he was trying to move out of the state we live in and so we had to do long distance for a while. His living arrangement didn't work out so he moved back to our state. We continued dating and fell in love.

We move in together and everything keeps going great. We respected each other. We hardly fought and if we did we worked it out easily and happily. Neither of us were ever too jealous. We were picture perfect!

6 mo. Into living together I get pregnant. During this time my job promotion fell through and I was having a hard time feeling appreciated at my job.( So much bs at the job tbh). I decided to get an abortion. I was okay knowing he supported my decision and would stay by my side. A week after I set an appointment to get an abortion, I look through his phone. I know! Shame on me, toxic behavior, etc. I know I was wrong to act on that gut feeling but I did anyways.

He had been messaging and flirting w a few of his female friends. I was DISTRAUGHT! We had a huge fight. He was calling them sexy and sending very flirtatious messages w innuendos. No nudes as far as I know or nothing irl. That's what kept me in the relationship. I felt disrespected, blindsided, like a complete fool bc I thought since we lived together that we were above petty meaningless attention from others. I was so hurt. Finding that betrayal plus my job using me and the abortion made me really depressed and I would cry myself to sleep for months after. I couldn't look at my bf the same.

We decided to work on things and he genuinely was sorry.

Another 6 months later after a party I find more messages on dm to a woman on Instagram. You know those accounts with a v busty and curvy woman who shows almost everything, has an onlyfans and does sexwork. He dmed her talking about how sexy she was and how he'd like for her to join us in a threesome. It felt like the whole situation all over again.

(For more info, I'm bi. And we used to talk about how attractive women are all the time, even pointing out hot women we see. This changes once I caught him messaging women alone. It's different when it's between us but once he takes it outside of the relationship and acts alone, then it's super disrespectful to me his gf.)

If he would've just commented on one of her photos and tagged me in it, I would've laughed it off. But the fact that he was in her dms. Secrecy is awful in a relationship.

Again we caught and made up. I asked him to not follow accounts like that. I made it clear he could always look at those accounts/porn, etc. But no interaction bc i felt insecure still and trying to rebuild trust is already hard as it is. He says okay and is genuinely sorry.

Beginning of this year we fight again bc he follows a bunch of thirst traps on insta. I don't know how to make it more clear that for the time being I am not okay with it. He wouldn't like it if I reached out to guys I thought were good looking the way he does. So clearly he knows it's not healthy behavior in our relationship.

All that to say we are now 3.4 years in and I still do not trust him %100. We have amazing times together a and for the most part respect and adore each other. But I still don't look at him the same. Im not as nieve as I once was. But we are each other's backbone and daily life is fun and easy w him. He's my best friend and I can see a future with him that is happy and healthy and strong.

But i can also see a life without him. Sometimes I feel we are too different. I know I cannot control him and I don't want to but that also means he will always do what he wants. I don't know if it's dumb to want him to feel free but also want him to see me the way I see him . I just get really insecure about him always choosing me. How can we start planning a life together when I don't know what he wants or if it will change later. I know that we are working on it and he's putting in effort but sometimes I feel that it's not enough. I think I should be more confident in my relationship at this point. Am I wasting my time? We already live together, is a break even an option? Will I ever be as in love with him as I was before?

I just feel very confused and uneasy about the Future. I really really really want him to be the one and I love him more than I've loved anyone but is that enough?

If you've read all of this thank you so much ! I know it's a lot and I have a lot of healing to do on my own. I would appreciate anyone's perspective or advice.