I need advice

This is gonna be really long so brace yourself

So basically, this guy and I, we’re gonna call him Carl, were on and off for over a year. But last June I called everything off for good because he treated me so badly and I was tired of it. In August I met this amazing guy. I mean amazing in every way and I’ve never felt so certain about being with someone. We’re calling him Brad. He lived on the other side of the country. We started a long distance relationship and when I say so no ones ever loved me the way this boy did from 2000 miles away, I mean it. Everything was going really well. I mean so damn well I was so happy. Carl would continually message me and i always just ignored him but Brad knew how bad my relationship was with my ex and how difficult it was for me. I sometimes needed to reassure him that I didn’t want to be with Carl. And I didnt. I wanted to be with Brad. Around December things got really hard because of the distance. Brad had such a busy life it wasn’t working out. On jan 16th I decided I needed to break up with him because it was just too much. I told him I’d wait for him. I meant it. With every piece of me, I meant it. The next day my best friend was killed. I messaged him but he was obviously wanting space because of the breakup so I tried to give it to him. Carl checked on me because he knew I was struggling with the loss of my best friend. I didn’t know what to do at that point so I just cried to him about her. He told me he wanted to come over to sit with me and keep me company. I said no because it just felt wrong. I didn’t want to be around him. But he insisted. A week later I finally gave in. It felt so wrong. But I was so desperate for someone to be there that i just let him be there. Nothing happened. During this time Brad still wanted space. I wanted to talk to him about everything but I couldn’t so I tried to understand. Carl was still coming over a couple times a week to keep me company. Brad didn’t know about this. Every time I tried to talk to him he shut me out so I gave up. About a month later, like middle of February, Carl and I had gotten closer. I didn’t want to be with him but at this point I didn’t want to lose anyone else so when he kissed me, I let it happen. It felt wrong but I let it happen. We started dating in the beginning of March. Brad found out ab it through my friends. I left Carl 2 weeks later bc I guess I finally just came to my senses that it was wrong. I didn’t want to be with him. He’s wasn’t making feel better he just made me feel less alone. So I broke up with him. He was fine with it. Turns out he was cheating anyways. 2 weeks ago I talked to Brad. I apologized and said I was sorry for going back to my ex. For breaking my promise to wait for him. I talked to this boy every single day for 6 months. I knew how he typed when he was okay. He was typing like he just didn’t want to talk to me. He was hurt. I explained myself and told him I wasn’t expecting an apology. That I didn’t want to be in a relationship and I wasn’t asking to get back together. But just for him to understand and be friends. Because like I said, nobody has loved me the way he did. I still love Brad. With every piece of me, I love him. He said he understood and he wasn’t mad. And that he did want to be friends. But I feel like I completely ruined things and any chance of a future by getting back with Carl. I want to be with Brad still but I know I can’t right now. But I wanna know if we can maybe try again in the future. I haven’t talked to Brad since. I wanna talk to him but I don’t think he wants to talk to me. I don’t know what to do. I know this is really messy. I’ve never hurt anybody like this and I so badly want to fix it because he’s the only person i want to talk to about literally everything. But I don’t know how to talk to him or even if I should. I know I probably sound like a horrible person. But please give me some advice:((