Heartbreak

God, if I knew that this is how it was gonna feel like I never would’ve done this to myself. I feel like a piece of me is gone and I won’t get it back. Whether it was infatuation, lust or possibly even the development of the L-word, or a mixture of them all, what we had lasted a few months and I felt so innate and I wanted to know more about you. But why does it HURT. SO. F*CKING. MUCH?!?? I won’t be able to send you a “good morning baba” text or a “how’s your day been?” message again; I won’t be able to hear your voice or see your handsome face through my screen and get giddy and excited when you call me goddess.

Is this what a first heartbreak feels like because I’ve seen it on tv, read about and seen friends experience it and ... Christ how did they pull it together knowing that someone that important to them was never going to be there again? Never to hear about their day or just listen to their thoughts as they talk to you.

Why haven’t the tears stoped every time I think about you and the time we share? Even when I was thinking about how to write my apology and how you made me feel, I cried. I cried when I wrote it and I cried when I sent the message. I cried when I read your reply and I cried again when you said “goodbye” and through tears I wrote “goodbye and good luck.” Even writing this now I am balling my eyes out and can’t stop the tears. Why can’t I stop crying?! Why can’t I STOP??

Even though you said it’s all good I know it’s not. I know I hurt you and if I could take back what I said and make sure I never hurt you in the first place, I would in a heartbeat. Even though it hurt me, I forgive you for what you said... I forgive you and I pray one day you’ll forgive me for hurting you.