First I want to apologize to anyone who is made uncomfortable by what I am going to say. There is nothing wrong with you, it’s me. I wanted to express myself here so I can acknowledge it, get it out somewhere, and work on improving.

I am fatphobic. I do not like fatness. I used to be fat and I hated every ounce of myself. I lost weight and I’m still not happy with my body, but I feel that since I am now at a healthy weight, I am at least better than I was. I was obese and had health problems at 20 years old. I was fat for so long. I was chubby since about 8 years old. Everyone would talk about how skinny and beautiful I was before then. I’ve spent so many years wanting to get back to that. I’ll never get back to it, but I cling onto the idea that I’m closer to that than others. I am obsessed with fatness. I watch video after video of people on My 600 lb life not being able to do things I can do. It gives me confidence and feelings of ability. My self esteem increases by thousands when I’m not the biggest in the room. I have demonized fatness to make myself lose weight and I did it and it’s still their. The feelings are still there. I’m sorry I’m this way. I don’t like it but I do. I wish I didn’t feel the need to feel this way. I am jealous that people are able to love themselves even when fat.