when i was 16 i cheated on my boyfriend of 2 months (full on cheated- sex and all) with my current boyfriend. i’m 18 now and he’s 19 and i asked my mom if she ever did anything of the sort and she told me she maybe did in high school but doesn’t really remember. i feel like i’m going to remember it forever. how much i hurt him to be happy. how selfish that was. i think all the time that if i was going to do something so horrible i should’ve at least just texted him right before and said i’m breaking up w you or some shit like that. maybe it still bothers me because i was so mean to him after it happened too. we almost got back together right before me and my boyfriend got together but it wasn’t the same and we knew it was never going to be, and it just wasn’t gonna work out because he knew i didn’t feel the same about him anymore. then i got with my bf and had to hate him all of a sudden. i don’t hate him. i still feel horrible about what i did to him because he truly didn’t deserve the hurt i put him through, even if it was just a silly two month freshman year relationship. he’s moved on, i’ve moved on; i just feel bad. there have been countless nights i’ve been up writing the longest paragraphs in my notes of what i would say to him if i got the chance, but i never sent any because that would be betraying my boyfriend and that stopped months ago anyway. i just feel like if i’m with my boyfriend forever, because i would like to be in a perfect world, it’s always gonna be in the back of my mind dancing around somewhere. especially because neither of our families know and i still have so much guilt.

i still have a screenshot from the night i ended it. it hurts me so much to read to this day

little backstory too. we met in 7th grade, where me him and another guy became best friends. sort of drifted with the third guy in 8th grade as well as him a little bit, but then in 9th grade we made out at a football game and it went from there. i ended up taking his virginity, which i later found out through one of his friends that he was lying about having had sex before (he told me he went to florida and while his parents and other three siblings left he had a girl over and they did everything but it was all really bad so he “still didn’t really have an idea”). and also his previous 4 girlfriends all cheated on him and i promised him it would be different with me. still just a stupid high school relationship that probably wouldnt have lasted anyway, but i still just feel so terrible inside. he even ended what he was saying wishing me well and i’ve spent my entire high school career being mean to him ever since then. i need to apologize but it would create so much drama. if i said what i wanted to say (nothing inappropriate) he would probably show all his friends and laugh or take screenshots and send them to my boyfriend over some sort of social media just to piss him off and create problems between us. it’s a never ending battle that i deal with all because of one mistake i made almost 3 years ago