Just need to vent.. please no judgement.

My partner and I have been together for 6 years. We’ve been best friends. I truly thought he was my forever. Well, he did some things in January, he didn’t physically cheat, but was talking to another woman behind my back about leaving me bc all we did was argue. It was hurtful. He had a crush. She wasn’t interested but it always makes me wonder how far he would have taken it. I was shocked, I thought we were happy. We were even TTC so I was completely thrown off guard. Anyway, fast forward he begged for me to forgive him and gave me my engagement ring back. Then we actually found out we were pregnant (we weren’t tying) and we really wanted things to work. I found out so many other things he had hid from me, saw dating apps etc etc, he said he did it all when we technically weren’t together, but I told him before we decided to work things out I needed to know everything... so knowing he kept these secrets hurt. It makes me feel like he doesn’t want me. He’s also been cruel to me these past months, and I’m pregnant af. Just being mean, having a nasty attitude, making me feel like I’m just some annoying twat that he hates. He’s said awful things to me, spit on me etc (when hammered but still doesn’t justify) but on the other hand, he tells me he loves me, that he is sorry, that he promises he’s telling me the truth, that he made mistakes & is working towards being a better man. He said “I deserve to go to hell for how I treat you”. So it makes me think he really is sorry, but he’s constantly doing things and I don’t trust him at all. He doesn’t put any effort into making me happy. I know I deserve so much better, but it is so hard to leave. I rely on him for so much, and I love him so so much. We agreed to work on things and I know it takes time, but part of me doesn’t know if I can ever move on from the awful things he’s done. So I’m finding myself in a really mentally challenging/draining situation.