FIRST OF ALL i’m sorry this is so long i just feel like i need to get the detail in!!!! PLEASE just offer me some advice and no hate please! thank u queens 💖💖 edit- please read the whole thing before commenting 🙄 also i haven’t said it to him since it’s not like i just said no and carried on lol i said sorry and now i’m asking how to educate him and stay chill when he says racist stuff by accident which (if you read it all) he has done and also sometimes on purpose. doesn’t mean i’m not annoyed at the situation tho.

edit 2- the COMMENTS PHEW. i think it says something that it’s mainly the white people commenting that are so pressed i described something as white but then have disregarded his discrepancies and stance on this being that i’m basically not white (and i am white). you’re saying that “that’s so white” is JUST as racist when it really isn’t. i’m asking for help on how to CHILL when he does this and how to EDUCATE him. the few comments from poc are the only ones who have acknowledged really that he has been problematic also and what i could do so i really think that says something lmao. to the people who have commented with actual advice saying i was insensitive I AGREE it came from a place of hurt and defence since he started disregarding my ethnicity but I SEE where i was wrong and should have left trying to get him to see my pov for another time once he was less upset. i’m gonna delete this post soon since it’s so messy 🤦🏻‍♀️ but thanks for all your input. it’s annoying to see that in this day and age so many white people are trying to play victim saying you can be racist to white people but look around, you KNOW that that isn’t the case. you can be prejudiced towards white people yes but not RACIST. my comments of things being white upset him individually but it holds no power. please empathise and look at all these cases of racism- black people getting lynched, disproportionately incarcerated, killed by police, 2000 children ICE has lost, a president that literally said “kung flu” the other day and people LAUGHED. a racist pm who said muslim women look like letterboxes. white people benefit from racism without even trying while it traumatises and leaves poc at severe disadvantages. look at how race is affecting poc and PLEASE re evaluate this view that you can be racist to white people too because it undermines the racism on poc. as a white person until that well awaited day of equality comes you will NOT feel the fear and discrimination that a person of colour does. if all my circumstances were the same but i was white passing and didnt look mixed then i guarantee my boyfriend wouldn’t have said anything about my white comments because i would have LOOKED white. since i look asian this wasn’t the case. if i offended you with this i’m sorry but those are the facts. thanks for all your input.

i’m filipino and british and my boyfriend is as white as u can get. he grew up in the south and is from a VERY white area. when i visit all the old white people glare and sometime shout nasty comments but i just try to ignore it. nothing like that has ever happened to him. this is the issue; when he does something or gets something fancy like local cheese and honey or told me he has milk delivered to his house i laugh and say “that’s so white”. it’s not to offend it just is? to me at least. he told me eventually it upset him and he feels ashamed to be white. (highkey im ashamed to be white bc the world was built off of racism and people who say racism isn’t a thing anymore look at who’s still benefitting- a racist US president and a racist UK pm) i told him i was sorry and i never meant to upset him.

i then said i am also white so surely me saying that also includes myself? he completely disregarded it because i’m not fully white passing and was raised by my single filipino mum. which upset me. he said that it just “wasn’t nice” when i would laugh at white things. i then got pissed and had to reminded him of my traumatic racist experiences i’ve had before which i’ve only joked about such as people telling me and my mum to go back to our country, i was bullied at school, “chink” “slit eyes” “yellow” social services trying to take us from my mum, doctors turning their noses up at us etc.

i told him i knew 100% his parents have never had to tell him to be careful because of his skin colour because (and i know it’s not always the case) when a white person hurts a person of colour it’s out of hate for their skin colour and when a person of colour hurts a white person it’s a reaction to the oppression they’ve faced. my mum tells me all the time to be careful because people are nasty because of it. he agreed and apologised but the only way he could accept the white jokes were by me saying maybe it’s a coping mechanism or a reclaimal of power because he has all these nice things that poc likely wouldn’t have. it just felt like a very entitled way to understand, he couldn’t just take it as a joke he didn’t want to be laughed at and hung up on me when i delicately included that that was a sign of white fragility lol. like acknowledge your privilege u aren’t dying in the streets me pointing something out as white shouldn’t ruin your day?? i know i shouldn’t undermine his feelings like that but it pissed me off that his experience with the jokes were just “not nice” when i’ve felt fear for myself and my family because of our skin colour. he didn’t care when i tried to explain the power dynamic between saying “that’s so white” because that doesn’t bring harm, and saying “that’s so asian/black/etc” because when people say something like that it packs power since those groups have been oppressed.

i had to tell him if we have children and they look like me, they WILL face some form of racism growing up and i am NOT going to let him undermine their experience by saying he gets made fun of for being white, because IT IS NOT the same. i told my brother about this and he wishes it wasn’t this big of a deal (which i get) but at the same time racism is still hugely prevalent in today’s society and he (boyfriend) needs to really see my pov for us to work. does anyone agree? it just makes me annoyed when he comes across entitled because he could never understand actual racism just prejudice, but i still expect him to put things into context and see that a white joke is just “not nice” and isn’t even comparable on the scale of people of colour getting beaten, killed, wrongfully incarcerated, etc. one day hopefully there’ll be no more jokes between any race but until that day of equality comes i just can’t see it as that deep. am i being selfish here? is he being ignorant? has anyone had experience with something like this?

ps. before we met he used to make jokes using slurs and the n word as joke with his friends. he said it to me once bc of a post on twitter and i went off and said if he said that shit again or any slur for that matter we were done and he cried and agreed and let me educate him on things like systemic racism appropriation etc so i know he can learn but he still plays devil advocate for it sometimes and doesn’t go off and educate himself which kind of upsets me. he’s 21 i’m 20 and we’ve been together over a year now, what can i do to chill and have him understand?