I almost self harmed today

I was diagnosed with severe depression at the age of 15, I’m 20 now. I haven’t cut myself in 3 years. Today, however, I came very close. I ripped open a razor and just stared at the blade. Somehow that seemed to be enough for me. I didn’t do it, I know this may seem very “corny” or “weird” but I didn’t cut myself today. Despite breaking down into tears and crying for hours, I was weak, but I wasn’t weak enough & that makes me so damn proud!!!