Depression is a bitch

Sorry this is a lot and a rant but if you have something to say please do I could use an opinion

I’ve been diagnosed for 6 years with a mood disorder so I have extreme ups and then I just flat line with emptiness anyway I have depression and anxiety I’ve been trying to do things I use to enjoy like painting , coloring , painting , makeup , organizing things , and even cleaning

I just get so sad and lonely but I just get upset and annoyed like I have had my drivers permit for a little more than 5 months and my parents have taken me driving around the neighborhood 2 or 3 times and it’s only for like 20 minutes and for the chart I have to fill out for my license is in hours SOOOO I try and just be thankful

I’m not allowed social media and I can’t go to peoples houses it’s just annoying I can’t go anywhere and I literally feel like I’m at the verge of giving up

2 appointments ago of me getting my medication adjusted I broke down and cried to my doctor telling her about how I nonstop think about self harming and ending my life so when my mom came in I told her that and I didn’t want to because my mom does the same thing every time she shakes her head and gets upset

She tells me I need to actually try to do things and it’s my fault I’m feeling down

And it’s just so frustrating because I do everything she asks me to and even more and I do try to help myself but there’s nothing more

I truly do think I’m just waiting for someone to tell me what to do I dunno