About 4 or 5 months ago...

I woke up one morning really early I felt something on my ass.

I only opened my eyes a tiny bit. It and realised a family friends dick was on my ass he’s laying right next to me under the covers and I’m on my side. I moved over a bit to see if he would leave but he kissed my head and still layer there. He finally left and I ran to the bathroom shaking crying so much literally grabbed the body scrub and scrubbed my ass so many times I felt so sick in my stomach so disgusted. I was 16 when it happened he’s in his late 30s. He lives with me and my mum. I wanted to end my life I felt so lost. I lost a part of myself I can never get back.

Iater that Day I stayed in bed crying my eyes out I have never ever felt so disgusted. I trusted him.

I realised that day that it’s been happening since I was 15. I just didn’t realise it I didn’t really know it was happening till that morning I woke up and he was there. I tried telling people I am close with they didn’t believe me neither did my my. But I couldn’t go to the police I would lose my close friends and family. I was balling my eyes out to my best friend. He did it again a week later and all the red flags were there right in front of My mum she just never realised it. He would slap my ass.

I couldn’t sleep on my side or at all for months I would have nightmares and cry myself to sleep to 3 or 4am every night. The only person I had who believed me was my best friend. It effected me in ways I couldn’t explain and to this day I still can’t explain how it effected me.

Months pass, now to today 25/6. He only did it again a week after that but now months pass he only slaps my ass I told him mutual times to stop but he laughs. And to this day I still can’t sleep on my side without having a panic attack if I close my eyes and try to sleep on my side I can feel him next to me. I still cry myself to sleep me and my best friend drifted we don’t talk anymore. I still have nightmares and no I cant go to the police please don’t ask me why and no I don’t have anyone to go to or stay with. And no I can’t go to a therapist I don’t have any money.

And yes ik this isn’t rape and people have had it worse then me but it’s something that effected me and ruined me. every time I have a nightmare of it i cry my eyes out but my brain tells me I’m overreacting people have had it worse then me which is true but it’s sexual assault and he was a very close friend to my family and to me I trusted him. I have been through hell I don’t trust easily but since this stuff I can’t trust anyone at all I can’t even hug anyone without flinching.

My anxiety is worse since it happened I have panic attacks 2 or 3 times a week my hands start shaking more times then I can count in a day. And I am depressed and barely sleep