I don’t know if this is sexual assault

I am hesitant to write this because I am still unsure of what had happened and how I feel about all of it. I am not sure if this is considered being sexually assaulted or rape or something. But it is something that has ben bothering me, more so since I ended things with my ex about a month ago.

So I was in a long distance relationship for two years with this guy, 10months out of the relationship I was abroad working in another country. When I came back, I moved in with my mom because I wouldn’t have to pay rent and I was not going to live with my dad who I am currently in therapy due to the emotional abuse I endured from him. Now having left my ex, I can accept how he was also emotionally abusive, controlling, and not a good man.

What I have been struggling with is what happened the last couple of times when I was able to go down and stay with him. Usually when I would make the 8 hour trip down, it was to see my bf mainly, but also to see my doctor(s), or my dad who lives in the same city. However this time, I had gone down for no reason but to visit him and be able to spend a week with him. During this time, my grandpa had died, which meant I had to see my father. I can really bad anxiety on a good day, but anytime I learn I have to see my dad, I fall apart. So I ended up having total a mood swing from being happy to having my bad days where I have no energy and can barely function. Not something I enjoy or ever want to have happen, so it something that I have been working on, but sometimes I was just too fucking tired to do anything. I also recently found out I was severely anemic and he knew as well.

Anyways, since I was with my bf, I wanted to be with him, sexually, but I was having a hard time being able to stay in the right mindset and not want to curl up and cry. Not because I missed my Grandpa though, he had disowned my family when I ten years prior and mentally died years before, but because I was going to have to spend the whole day with my family, but I wanted to try to be with him despite all of that.

So things are going great, we’re being physical, I’m enjoying everything, he is enjoying everything, we’re in our favorite way where I am face down and he is on top of me. And then out of no where, I get an almost flashback of mental pain from a thought of my dad. I didn’t want to continue anymore and asked him to stop, I wasn’t very loud because at that point I was already curling up in my mind. I asked him to stop again, but I was not heard, I could tell he was almost ready to cum so I just waited for him to finish. I want to say that this almost happened a second time but we were just fooling around when my mindset changed and he heard me say that I wanted to stop and we stopped.

A couple days later I had brought up the first instance to him because I didn’t want that to happen again. When he heard this, he started to get angry, but he told me that he wasn’t angry at me. He was disgusted that he didn’t hear me asking for him to stop and to not ever have sex with him just because he wants it or because I think he wants it. But he was kind of yelling and would smack his car door a few times, despite him knowing how much it scares me when he does that.

Fast forward to another time I came down to see my doctor and visit him.

I was once again, a mental mess from the trip and with so much going on with my health, trying to find new doctors, not being on the right dosage for my anxiety, ect.

He wants to have sex and I keep saying that I can not because I am not in the right mind set. I just wanted to cuddle and be held. Next thing I remember, he is getting mad at me because he is hurting from constantly feeling sexually rejected from me and why I am not the sexual person that I used to be and used to brag about being when we first met, and asking if I want him to be in pain because he gets really bad blue balls.

I had felt bad because he felt like I was rejecting him, when the situation couldn’t have been more opposite, because I would constantly ask for cuddles or to be held, but he always chose work over me. This being said, yes work comes first, but he was obsessive when it came to his work and he worked from home. I can only remember a couple of times where he chose to stay in bed with me after sex and cuddle and and fall asleep with me. All the other times, he said he would come back after using the restroom, to find he went back to work instead of coming back to me. And this was usually at night after he had already worked all day. Also, yes I can fuck and have no emotions, but that is not what I want in a relationship! I couldn’t give myself to him because I was already feeling neglected from him.

Furthermore, in the beginning of the relationship when we were learning about each other’s sexuality and such, I happened to mention that I liked to sext and had sent nudes and have videos of me having sex.

He reacted like it was the most disgusting thing to do, made me feel so damn ashamed for liking to take sexual photos of myself, let alone send them to a guy. It didn’t matter if they were for my partner at the time or not. He asked me how could I ever expect to be a good mother if I like to take photos or make videos of myself having sex. Don’t you worry your future kids will find them? Then when he heard that one of my fantasies was to do dp, he lost his shit and this later became a reassuring issue of him thinking that I was never going to be satisfied by him alone and would resort to cheating on him like all of his ex’s did.

I am currently working on gaining back my proud sexuality that I used have before meeting him, but I broke down yesterday when I was sexting a former partner of mine that I had blocked due to my ex. I am now comfortable sexting with words again, but when he asked for a nude picture, something I would have never hesitated on when it came to him, I burst into tears feeling conflicted on whether to embrace who I used to be and feeling ashamed for wanting to do so because of what my ex had said to me.

I now know I should have never been with this person or stayed with this person for as long as I did, but I genuinely thought he loved me, a concept I already struggle to accept about myself.

Um so that is my long rant, kind of a mess, but I am a mess myself, so yes, but I am not sure if what happened is considered to be sexual assault or I am overthinking things in my head.