Prior to my miscarriages, I never fully understood “triggers” and why someone would really feel triggered by something. Now, I discuss them often because they are a part of my every day. Miscarriage has by far been the most traumatic event that I’ve experienced. Both emotionally & physically. It’s something that I wish I could somehow erase from my memory but instead, they seem to follow into the next stage of my journey. I always try to find some sort of lesson from my trauma & it’s not always easy to do. Motherhood has been a huge trigger for me. It’s a trigger that I’m thankful for because of Cameron but I won’t lie, it’s difficult. As expected, recovery was triggering at times but I think that it was triggering because it was familiar. I’ve spent months of my life miscarrying & recovering so I felt like a pro at the recovery aspect of postpartum. Even though it was familiar, there were times where I had to actually remind myself that what I was experiencing was from a full-term birth, not a miscarriage. Then there are encounters where people say “is he your first?” and I die just a little inside. While he is my first child that I’ve held and gotten the chance to raise, he wasn’t my first pregnancy nor was he the first life other than my own that I felt responsible for. He’s my first in some scenarios but not in others and sometimes that is hard to articulate. Even doctors appointments can still be triggering because I am brought back to the times where I cried in the bathroom before ultrasounds or before a miscarriage “follow up” (that I always had to ask for by the way). These moments and events don’t just leave us, even though we wish they would. While motherhood can be triggering, it’s by far the only trigger that I am thankful for. It’s a blessing - even on the hardest days. I guess I just always thought that motherhood would be the solution to everything and not add to any trauma. If you’re a fellow mama after infertility or loss and you have similar feelings, know that you aren’t alone. ❤️ As always, thank you for letting this be a place for me to share what’s on my heart of what I’m feeling. It makes ME feel less alone, too ✨