Struggling

I had my twins on 7/5/20 at 34weeks. There was a toss up on whether to keep pushing to stay pregnant as long as I could which meant even more pain for myself and possibility of my kidneys temporarily failing since they started to not work properly, on top of just being miserable from preeclampsia(internally) and contractions. So it was ultimately up to me to go ahead with the c section, which either way waiting a day or not, it was going to happen by the doctor.

Anyways, my daughter was in a isolate in the nursery but was wheeled into our room (which in Still here) every three hours for half an hour for us to see her and feed her. My son was immediately brought to the NICU, where he still is currently. While my husband was here with us, he was the one who mostly went to see my son a few times a day and I would go once a day for a few hours. It was harder for me since I would working around being checked, feedings with my daughter and pain management. My daughter and myself were suppose to leave today to go home, leaving baby boy here. Things changed and she has to stay two more days to watch her jaundice since she’s a preemie and the doctors are closed on weekends. So they pulled some strings and I’m able to stay in the same room as a room in board but just not as a patient while she stays in the room the whole time with me. I am able to take her into the nursery so I can go over to NICU to see brother.

Today though, being the first day without my support system and trying to manage myself without being a patient and taking care of baby girl; I can’t help but become overwhelmed with emotions. So far I’ve only saw my son once today for an hour, I’ve been talking with different doctors/nurses and getting information and being “discharged” myself, taking care of baby girl, having to run down to the pharmacy myself. I will be seeing later, however I can’t stop myself from crying just thinking about how lonely he must be by himself. He’s probably wondering where his twin sister has been. I can’t help but blame myself for putting him in this situation. He doesn’t have any major problems. He’s in the NICU for feeding and slight breathing support. He can breathe on his own for the mostpart but it’s fast paced and not controlled. I feel so guilty and just keep crying on and off now, thinking about how I’m failing him as a mother. I’m suppose to protect him and

keep him safe and I haven’t done that. I feel like he doesn’t know me because I’m not with him more often or all the time like I’ve been able to with his twin sister. How informa le he must be feeling with everything hooked up to him. The fact that he must thinks the nurses are his mommy and not me. I’m reallly struggling right now and just feel so ashamed of myself as a mommy. 😭😭😭😭😭