I’m embarrassed writing this. I’m not a young, inexperienced young adult. I’m an almost 40 year old woman whose made so many mistakes you’d think I was a kid. So a while back I got out of an abusive relationship I had been in for almost 20 years. The first years were okay but as time went on it got worse and worse. I fantasized about getting out and starting another life. And so I finally got the courage and I did. I got an apartment I could barely afford and got my kids out of that home I had helped purchase. He wouldn’t leave and I just wanted a new life. Soon after I left I started dating a person I already knew from Facebook. I feel quick and hard over this man. I had only had sex with the man I had been with for 20 years and here I was now with someone entirely new. Someone who made my legs tremble and my heart flutter. I became pregnant by this man within months. He only had one child so he seemed happy. I then thought okay it’s going to be good. I was 38 and hadn’t had a child in 11 years but I thought it will be okay. He will move in with us and things will be great.

I was wrong. Every Time I talked about that a fight would follow. He didn’t seem like he wanted that yet would come around several days a week. At exactly three months of pregnancy I began bleeding very heavily. I called him and he accompanied me to the ER. I was told the baby had a heartbeat and seemed fine but I needed bed rest. He went home that night. He didn’t come with me. The next day he came with groceries for my kids because I couldn’t cook. Two days after that he came to stay the night while he slept I looked through his phone. He was talking to a woman about me and how his family wasn’t happy about the pregnancy. He would send her kiss emojis and asked her how she was and explained why he couldn’t answer when he was with me. I woke him up and kicked him out. I was sooo heartbroken I can’t even begin to explain. Within a week I packed up and took my kids with me to live at my brothers house since I couldn’t do much for myself in bed rest and needed family support. He didn’t mind, he’s loaded with a five bedroom five bath home so he had plenty of room for us.

Soon after I moved to my brother’s I forgave this man and he swore to me he would never do that again. He made a mistake he said and this woman was across the country and the never physically met. (That part I know for a fact to be true) There relationship ir whatever it was, was only by text and Facebook. After The baby was born I finally looked for a rent house. This man gave me $200 a month to “help” with rent. When our baby turned 1 year and 3 months old he finally got us a place. I helped with about 7 grand. We know live together and have for almost a year but he is so mean. He’s such a good dad but not a good partner. I don’t trust him on his phone one bit. I can vouch that he goes to work and comes straight home everyday. But he isn’t loving towards me. We barely have sex. He accepts friend requests from women but we aren’t Facebook friends. If I tell him something about that I’m suffocating him because I want to control every aspect of his phone. I do check his phone every so often and don’t see him talking to anyone but trust as you can imagine is very difficult. I wish I could leave but I don’t have any money. Which is ridiculous because I am an educated woman. I’m so embarrassed to tell my family or ask for help from anyone. I don’t have any money saved but maybe 2-3grand. My payments would be more than what I make. If I left I wouldn’t want a penny from this man. Please someone tell me what I should do?