19 months of trying and still nothing 😭

I am so sad, angry and frustrated. Why? Why can't I get pregnant? I don't understand 😭

I have a kid from a previous relationship, that was not planned and just came after one month of forgetting the pill. My boyfriend has a kid from a previous relationship that was not planned either. I did get pregnant once after a guy I was dating and decided to have a abortion since I wasn't ready to be a single parent again.

Me and my boyfriend got pregnant soon after we started dating and I got an abortion since we've only just started dating and we wanted to have a kid that was planned and we'd have enough money to bring another kid to the world.

So obviously we should be able to do this?? Everything should be fine? 😭 I'm starting to believe my body thinks I don't want to get pregnant since I've had two abortions.

We've been trying since november 2018, and I'm just getting so tired of the let down every month AF shows up, I always get my hopes that THIS IS IT, THIS IS THE MONTH.

This month I started spotting a week before my period was meant to show up, and that NEVER happens to me. I spotted for 5 days, only little pink when I wiped so I was sure i was having implantation bleeding. After 5 days I let myself finally be hopeful that this was implantation and I was finally pregnant. Then AF came. Why is my body doing this mindfuck on me?? Why? Letting me get my hopes up and then BOOM, PERIOD.

I am just so tired and sad and nothing we do seems to help, just needed to vent 😭 And of course EVERYONE around me is pregnant, i swear!