Here is my story!!!

Depression, I wasn't the first in my family to have it but felt as if no one understood me.

For the past 2 years I kept it a secret and didn't know who to tell or how to even bring it out.

I was in a relationship for 5 years and as days slipped by, he didn't even notice that I wasn't myself anymore. I felt so worthless, sad like I was burden, like I shouldn't been living. I cried myself to sleep every night telling myself that I was worth it, to push through on something I know i would forever regret. I fought that feeling for a year telling myself everyday. I became a heavy drinker and smoker realizing I was just numbing my pain within myself. Then last summer hit. I haven't had my period for months and I was getting bigger, my chest was sore and growing three cup size. I didn't think it was possible cause me and my boyfriend at the time tried and never succeeded. I rushed to the store and got 2 pregnancy testes just to double check. Went back home and waited for the next morning 🌄. When it was morning I took 1 of the testes and 2 lines showed, I was so freak out I took another so it wasn't a false test. 2 lines appeared again and my boyfriend was at work so I didn't say anything until I got 6 more test. Went to work and we both came home. I went to the bathroom and took another one and it appeared again. Throughout the night I took all of them and there it was 8 pregnancy testes that said positive. My heart dropped crying with join. Telling myself I was worth it that I had a blessing a child on the way. The next morning I called the doctor to set an appointment. Notified my work place that I needed the day off on that date. Which was 2 weeks out. I cared for myself, to make sure that I make it to the appointment with a baby growing inside of me. I was a week in and had to wait another week before seeing my doctor. Everything was fine, then 2 days in and my stomach was hurting something was right. I was cramping with pain and wasn't able to move. But I had to work, they needed me and we couldn't afford me taking the day off. Then another day past and blood and a circular glob came out. It was the fetus 😢. My heart broke. I was bleeding so much I went through maxi pad within 25 minutes. My boyfriend didn't know until a day before the appointment I was ashamed, I felt like I was to blame. I didn't feel like a woman, and all he said was it's okay we can make another one, shrugging his shoulders. I broke completely down, hopeless feeling like u didn't deserve to live. The next day we went to the doctors, already sobbing and didn't want to be there. My boyfriend stayed on his phone in the waiting room not even comforting me in the room. I had to go through it alone. I cried to my doctor telling him everything. Then he had to check inside me and nothing was there. I was broken 💔 😢. I begged him please can we do an ultrasound and we did again everything was cleared. My mind went crazy. Crying, so ugly with snot dripping. I cleaned myself up and he prescribed a pill for 5 days so I can fully bleed everything out. 5 days of hell. Each and everyday was getting worst 😪. I was losing myself mentally. After everything I finally decided to go back straight to work. We couldn't afford me being out anymore. I worked my ass off just to distract myself from the pain. We were in the month of August and slowly my mind was slipping work was the only focus. Until it hit I was beyond depressed didn't even enjoy my anniversary. He got tired of even calling beautiful or even having eye contact with me. I was alone the person I loved didnt even love me my family didn't even know what was going on. Everyday I cried myself to sleep crying for 6 hours a day trying not to kill myself. Then August 30th came and I had enough of feeling hurt and pain, self harm and all. I took off without my boyfriend knowing where I was going, he didn't care anyways. I checked myself in alone and talked to a therapist,crisis,and psychiatrist. I refused to get checked in first they said 30 days, then a week, then a weekend trying to get me to stay I refused and just asked for pills to help. They prescribed 2 pills Prozac and another. I took the pills and thought everything would be fine, but I had really bad reactions but the doctor insisted on giving it a week, So I did. I went back to work and had 6 anxiety/panic attacks at work crying so they sent me on medical leave. Everyday it got worst I relied on the pills to help but 2 months past and I was on leave and had 6 suicidal attempts and 5/6 mental break downs daily. SEPT,11th 2019 I had lost my job and decided to go home in October to be with family since my boyfriend wasn't going to be there for me. Once I got home they stopped me on the pills California was legalized in medicinal use so I smoked. Everyday I was working on myself and still cried that my relationship was failing, that we lost a child. That he didn't care. 10 months of long distance and being sober from not smoking about 7 months now. Everything finally coming together getting a home in a new state and ready for a new beginning. Then he finally admits he dragged on 10 months for his benefits the house,furniture, wifi in my name. The only reason he kept me around. I cried so much through the 10 months I thought was progress I refused to cry now. Emotions were everywhere I finally after 2 weeks cried and it exploded . I asked for closure I gave him 5 loving years and got nothing. Then I looked myself in the mirror and told myself. "I am beautiful, I deserve better. I loved him and sacrifice for him but today me crying is my strength and my win for moving on." Ever since then my depression has slipped away and I've help people through depression. Uplifting them and feeding their souls with positive vibes. It's been amazing 👏 🙌 😍

I learned to love myself again.

Live healthy and love healthy.

I went from a size 22 to a size 15 and I'm still going. Life has so much lessons out there.Just remember to be kind to yourself and love yourself. You only get 1 life live it to the fullest and just be happy and smile cause great things will come your way.

Thank you!! To everyone who has read my story. Please stay safe and blessed. I love you and hope this encourages people to fight that fight happiness is coming your way 🥰😍😘💋💌💘💝💖💗💓💞💞💕💟❣❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍